OK, THIS IS THE "COVER PAGE." YOU CAN SEE HOW CLOUD IS TOTALLY CHECKING OUT MOON RANGOR'S PECS. THAT IS GAY SLANG FOR "PECTORALS," I LOOKED IT UP ON A NON-GAY WEBSITE. BUT ANYWAY, LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS ASS, MOON RANGOR'S ASS I MEAN, AND I'M NOT SAYING "WHOA GIRLFRIEND CHECK IT OUT," I JUST MEAN TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO IT BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING HUGE. THIS IS BASED ON REAL LIFE. MOON RANGOR HAS THE BIGGEST ASS NOW - YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT. HE'S ALWAYS BITCHING ABOUT HOW MOON PATROL RANGOR IS NEVER GOING TO GET REMADE. I SAY THAT'S BULLSHIT. EVEN SPY HUNTER GOT REMADE, AND OF COURSE NOW HE'S A TOTAL PRICK ABOUT IT, ALWAYS LORDING IT OVER AND WHATNOT. NEVER MIND THAT HE'S GOT THE WHIFF OF LAVENDER ABOUT HIM, WHAT WITH THAT SUPER-SECRET "GAY MODE" - OH NO! I'VE SAID TOO MUCH. (HAR HAR, GET IT? YEAH. I RULE. I'M STILL BUFF AND EVERYTHING.)

ALSO I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT "BUTTSEXY REACTION," WHICH IS KIND OF THE "SUBTITLE" FOR THIS "REALLY GAY ADVENTURE" IS A CLEVER PLAY ON WORDS. BECAUSE AMERICAN SAMMY MADE A GAME CALLED "SOMETHING SOMETHING SEXY REACTION," AND AMERICAN SAMMY IS TASMANIAN SLANG FOR "HOT BEEF INJECTION," WHICH IS ITSELF SLANG FOR "BEING FUCKED IN THE ASS BY SOMEONE OF THE SAME SEX." THAT'S NOT SLANG FOR ANYTHING, IT'S JUST FUCKING DISGUSTING. SO YOU SEE, IT'S A CLEVER CIRCLE OF REFERENCES THAT HAD TO BE EXPLAINED TO YOU, WHICH PUTS THIS IN THE SAME AWESOME LEAGUE AS "GRAVITY'S RAINBOW."

OK, SEE, THIS IS PROOF OF THE "MONKEY DONKEY COROLLARY," WHICH AS I STATED EARLIER ABOUT THE MORE THAN TWO BUTTONS, AND THE GAYNESS, AND ALL THAT. BECAUSE THIS JOINT, "HOLE IN JUAN," THIS GAY LITTLE JUKE-JOINT ON THE MOON DID NOT COME FROM MY FERTILE IMAGINATION; IT CAME FROM A FUCKING VIDEO GAME YOU MAY HAVE PLAYED, MAY HAVE EVEN ENJOYED, CALLED "NARC," WHICH IS ALL ABOUT NOT DOING DRUGS. WHILE YOU'RE NOT DOING DRUGS, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOOT HOBOS AND BIKERS AND SHIT. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT MESSAGE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT. DRUGS ARE REALLY EXPENSIVE, YOU SHOULDN'T MESS WITH THEM. A PUSSY LIKE YOU CAN MAKE A TEN-DOLLAR BOX OF WINE LAST FOR LIKE FOUR NIGHTS, BUT TEN DOLLARS' WORTH OF CRACK IS, APPARENTLY, NOT MUCH CRACK AT ALL. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HEROIN OR WHATEVER, ALTHOUGH IT'S A MOOT POINT BECAUSE WE BLEW UP ALL THE TALIBAN'S HEROIN FACTORIES. AND ACID IS FOR HIPPIES. I LIKE ACID BECAUSE IT SUPPRESSES THE "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" REFLEX IN HIPPIES.

ANYWAY, HOW MANY BUTTONS DID IT TAKE TO PLAY "NARC" -- DON'T ANSWER, I'LL TELL YOU, IT'S LIKE FOUR MILLION. THAT GAME HAD BUTTONS FOR EVERYTHING, SURPRISE SURPRISE, IT'S FROM THE GENIUS WHO BROUGHT US "DEFENDER." AND THE GAME JUST HAPPENED TO FEATURE (1) GAY-ASS KILLER CLOWNS, I MEAN COME ON, KILLER CLOWNS, THERE'S SOME ORIGINAL SHIT RIGHT THERE. CLOWNS ARE SO SCARY, WHAT IF WE GAVE ONE A KNIFE?!? ARRGH!!!! (2) "HOLE IN JUAN" WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY GAY AND (3) FAT GUY IN WHEELCHAIR. MAYBE HE'S NOT GAY BUT HE LOOKS LIKE LOU BEGA, AND HE SUCKS. REMEMBER THAT "MAMBO NUMBER FIVE" SHIT? REMEMBER THE TIME I FUCKING BEAT HIS PENCIL-DICKED SKULL AGAINST THE CURB OUT IN FRONT OF BARNES AND NOBLE?

OK, I'VE NOTICED THAT WHENEVER THESE NIPS GET ALL HOT ABOUT SOMETHING, THEY HAVE THESE MASSIVE NOSEBLEEDS, WHICH IS KIND OF THE MARK OF A PUSSY IN MY LEARNED ESTIMATION. THE ONLY TIME I'VE HAD A NOSEBLEED IN THE PAST TWENTY GODDAMN YEARS WAS WHEN I DRANK SOME GASOLINE ON A DARE. AND EVEN THEN MY NOSE DIDN'T BLEED UNTIL I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, AND IT DIDN'T EVEN REALLY "BLEED" THEN ANYWAY, MY NOSTRILS WERE JUST SORT OF PLUGGED, BOTH OF THEM, WITH SOLID BLOOD. I THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE HAD CRAMMED TWO USED TAMPONS INTO MY NOSE AND LEFT THEM THERE, AND THEN I GOT REALLY ANGRY UNTIL I REALIZED THAT I MIGHT HAVE ASKED THEM TO. DO IT. PUT THEM, THE TAMPONS, THERE, I MEAN. BUT ANYWAY I BLEW THEM OUT AND REALIZED THAT THEY WERE JUST SOLID BLOOD, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THERE WASN'T A GIRL THERE, LORDING IT OVER AND BEING ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY ABOUT TRYING TO SUFFOCATE ME IN MY SLEEP. BECAUSE THE LAST ONE WHO TRIED THAT, I RAN HER OVER WITH A CAR. THE POINT IS THAT YOU ONLY GET NOSEBLEEDS BY BEING A BAD-ASS, AND FANTASIZING ABOUT SPANISH BOYS WATCHING TV OR WHATEVER IS NOT BAD-ASS.

SEE, I DID MY RESEARCH. YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT REALISTIC, FOR A GAY. I LEARNED IN MY RESEARCH THAT "GAY" CAN BE USED AS A NOUN, AS IN THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE: MONKEY DONKEY THREW THE GAY THROUGH A PLATE GLASS WINDOW, AND EVERYONE IN THE BAR BROKE INTO SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE. IF IT'S ON CABLE AND IT SUCKS, YOU CAN BET THAT THERE'S SOME LITTLE GAY CULT FORMED AROUND IT (EXCEPT A-TEAM, WHICH IS ON CABLE AND FUCKING RULES) LIKE TAKE FOR EXAMPLE "IRON CHEF." TRY AND TELL ME CHAIRMAN KAGA ISN'T SO VERY, VERY GAY. HE'S MORE GAY THAN, WELL, IF LIBERACE, IF HE WERE STILL ALIVE, AND NOT A ROTTING ZOMBIE OR SOMETHING, OK, IF LIBERACE IN HIS PRIME, IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT, HAD PUT ON A SKIRT AND FUCKING ICE SKATES THEN HE STILL WOULDN'T BE AS GAY AS CHAIRMAN KAGA. ANYTHING ON CABLE, YOU MARK MY WORDS. I'VE SEEN "JUNKYARD WARS" SLASH FAN-FICTION. IN MY RESEARCH.

HIS HAIR ISN'T AS BIG AS IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN, BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO DISTRACT YOUR ATTENTION FROM THE DISCO BALL. GAYS LIKE LOTS OF FLASHING LIGHTS AND MIRRORED SURFACES. YOU WILL NOTICE IN THIS SCENE THAT CLOUD IS WEARING PINK TRIANGLE EARRINGS AND REQUESTING THAT THE D.J. PLAY A SONG BY "THE APPLES IN STEREO," WHICH HAS JUST GOT TO BE ONE OF THE GAYEST BANDS EVER. THIS FAT BALD GUY SOUNDS LIKE A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD GIRL? YEAH, I BET HE DOESN'T JUST SOUND LIKE THAT IN THE STUDIO, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. IF YOU DON'T (KNOW WHAT I MEAN, THAT IS), I MEAN THAT HE PROBABLY SOUNDS LIKE A YOUNG GIRL LOSING HER VIRGINITY, BECAUSE MOST GIRLS THAT AGE ARE VIRGINS, WHEN THEY'RE NOT TRYING TO BLOW UP THEIR SCHOOLS OR WHATEVER, AND HE SOUNDS LIKE IT ALL THAT TIME WHEN HE'S BEING SODOMIZED BY ANOTHER MAN. I READ IN MY EXTENSIVE RESEARCH THAT SOME MEN LIKE BEING SODOMIZED BY WOMEN WITH "STRAP-ONS," WHICH GOES TO SHOW YOU, I HOPE, THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ, ESPECIALLY ON THE FUCKING INTERNET, WHICH I HATE. I HATE THE INTERNET, I MEAN. ALSO PEOPLE TRYING TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS, I HATE THAT TOO. IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET FUCKED UP THE ASS, WHY EVEN KID YOURSELF? PLENTY OF GUYS HAVE BOOBS.

I WOULD LIKE TO DRAW YOUR ATTENTION TO THE D.J. WHO IS A VERY REALISTIC REPRESENTATION OF THE "LEATHER SCENE." HE IS MUSCULAR. ALSO, ANY GOOD AUTHOR ALLOWS ROOM FOR INTERPRETATION: HE CAN BE MEXICAN OR TANNED. YOUR CHOICE. HE'S PROBABLY TANNED, THOUGH, BECAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT A REAL LIVE MEXICAN COULD COME UP WITH SUCH A GREAT PUN (ABOVE).

OK, I READ IN MY EXTENSIVE INTERNET RESEARCH THAT THE NIPS ALSO DO THIS THING CALLED "FAN SERVICE" WHICH SOUNDS OK UNTIL YOU REALIZE THAT IT'S JUST CLEAVAGE AND PANTIES. I TRIED TO PUT "FAN SERVICE" IN THIS CHAPTER, BUT IORI -- THAT IS THE QUASI-FAG ON THE LEFT -- DOESN'T HAVE ANY BOOBS. AND MEGA CRAP HAS LITTLE PINK PANTIES, BUT FIRST OF ALL IT'S NOT REALLY A THRILL IF THEY'RE SHOWING ALL THE TIME, AND SECOND HE'S NOT REALLY GAY, HE TOLD ME IT'S JUST A BIG ACT, AND I BELIEVE HIM. I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T GRAB ON TO ANOTHER MAN'S BUTTOCKS AND JUST GO RIGHT TO TOWN WITH THAT HUGE USELESS BLOCK-ARM THING HE'S GOT. ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT THOSE IDIOTS. THIS IS THE "FAN SERVICE" CHAPTER BECAUSE EVERYONE THOUGHT THESE IDIOTS SHOULD BE IN THE COMIC, WELL VOILA, ENJOY. OH AND BY THE WAY, I HOPE YOU'VE NOTED MY IRONIC USE OF FRENCH LANGUAGE, THERE, SINCE WE HAVE ESTABLISHED EARLIER EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FRENCH LANGUAGE. THEY WRITE BOOKS THAT MAKE NO SENSE AND LET WOMEN DO THEIR FIGHTING, I MEAN PLEASE, LET'S BE SENSIBLE.

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO POINT OUT THAT THIS IS ALL TRUE. KIND OF, THIS SCENE ACTUALLY TOOK PLACE, EXCEPT I WAS YELLING THAT, I MEAN WHAT CLOUD IS YELLING, AT MEGA CRAP. AND I WASN'T WEARING MAKEUP. HE WAS ALL BRAGGING AND SHIT ABOUT HOW THESE GIRLS FROM THE FUCKING INTERNET HAD BOUGHT HIM A FANCY-PANTS DVD PLAYER AND ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS SIT IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER AND JACK OFF. AND I SAID BULLSHIT, I DO THAT ALL THE TIME AND NO ONE BOUGHT ME ANYTHING. HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN ABOUT "WEBCAMS" BUT I JUST COMMENCED WITH THE BEATING OF HIS STUPID ASS SENSELESS. SO I GUESS THAT I WAS MEGA CRAP IN THIS SCENE, TOO, AS MY ENORMOUS POWER-FISTS SAID "SHUT UP!!!" IN WAYS LIPS JUST CAN'T. IN TRIBUTE I MENTIONED "WEBCAMS" IN THIS CHAPTER, WELL IT'S NOT SO MUCH A TRIBUTE AS IT IS A WAY TO REMIND MEGA CRAP THAT I KICKED HIS ASS, AND PROMISED THAT I WOULDN'T TELL ANYBODY. OH, AND BY THE WAY, ME TELLING MEGA CRAP TO "SHUT UP!!!" IS OBVIOUSLY MORE IRONY FOR YOU CARDIGAN-WEARING FUCK-FACED BEDHEADS OUT THERE, WAH HAH HAH, IT'S JUST SO META-EVERYTHING.

WHY I HATE HIPSTERS: "I'VE GOT GREAT HAIR AND I AM SMARTER THAN EVERYONE! IF ONLY I HAD WRITTEN PROOF OF MY GENIUS! OR, UM, A GIRLFRIEND THAT WASN'T A VACUOUS FUCK TROPHY. OR A JOB THAT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO DIE."