The Rise and Fall of The Apologies

The Rise and Fall of The Apologies
(or: Zeroes Unlimited fucks up again)

The unthinkable had happened -- Zeroes Unlimited had finally run out of money. Zartan was forced to take a job as a security guard at a local high school to pay his astronomical bar tab. And someone had canceled Pingu. The situation looked grim.

And then, late one night, Zartan had a dream: he would makes obscene stacks of cash by exploiting the boiling hormones of the newly pubescent. Yes, again. That is to say, he would start his own "boy-group" sensation, overexpose them, and watch the dinero just roll in. It seemed like the perfect plan. Everyone else was getting a slice of that 12-18 demographic, right...?

So the first thing Zartan did was hire a manager; in this case, "Blinks" from Taito's Violence Fight. It made good business sense, at the time -- here was a man that (a) wore a monocle and a top hat (b) could talk grown men into taking severe beatings for cash and (c) did not, technically, exist, and therefore would think nothing giving up his slice of the profits.

The audition process was long and painful; thanks to an untimely leak, losers from all over the globe came to audition for a slot in the group. The actual decision making, however, was much easier, seeing as the group had already been decided to a man long before the required audition process. Zeroes Unlimited needed people to work for free, and knew where to find them.

And, on May 23, 200X, Zeroes Unlimited announced that The Apologies would soon be taking the pop world by storm.

The Apologies' first concert played to an inexplicably packed house. Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! was accidentally referenced, coffee and hash brownies were provided to the press before, during, and after the performance, and a wide variety of brand-new tunes (read: Casio demo "four" over thirteen different sets of lyrics) were performed. Everyone went home happy.

The press swarmed on the boys, and dozens of interviews soon followed. A representative sampling is shown here, taken from Tiger Bop's "A TOTALLY HOT Pubescent's Guide to the Apologies"


Ken: The SHY One!	Monkey Donkey: The BAD One!	I'm Sorry: The SOPHISTICATED One!	Mega Crap: The SENSITIVE One!	Moraff: The HANDSOME One!
"Herro radies!"	"You think you're too good for Monkey D, don't you? Bitches. I'll show you all"	"Are you gonna eat that?"	"Do not go there, girlfriend"	"Now would be an excellent time to order the rest of our great songs for only $21.95"
Ken likes cola, fresh fruit, dogs, playing dress-up, and... er... poop. (Zeroes Unlimited would like to apologize to all of you who find accidental phonetic substitution wildly offensive rather than quaint and amusing)	Monkey Donkey likes whiskey, beer, bourbon, Night Train fortified wine, and blondes. He's the one your mothers warned you about, but we love him anyway!	I'm Sorry has an impressive resume! 1967: Masseuse, Khmer Rouge. 1971: Golf coach to Richard Nixon. 1978: Public relations officer for the Shah of Iran. 1987: "Head" of giant robotic centipede, Soviet Politburo. 1992-present: Head of Anti-Corruption Task Force, Japanese Diet. (Zeroes Unlimited would like to apologize for the persistent and oblique references to Capcom's Strider)	Mega Crap is the one the smart, withdrawn girls swoon over! Rumor has it he's got a beautiful head of hair under that helmet! When not touring with The Apologies, Mega Crap knits scarves for his roommate and "lifelong friend", Homoman.	No one, but no one, can resist the manly, rugged charms of the Apology named Moraff. In addition to being the only human in the group, Moraff enjoys bumper pool and creating exciting new graphics with The Draw on his Amstrad.

It seemed that The Apologies were here to stay. Their first single, "Congraturation", was a smash hit, and their salacious antics and cryptic lyrics (e.g. "Sound by Loopy G / Love love bird / Lucky heart / You the hero") drew fire from parents' groups.

Their next single, "Self Extracting Hootchie", featuring a bizarre posthumous cameo from Big Punisher, was an even bigger hit.

The Fall

But what goes up must come down, and when a group as hastily and cynically constructed as the Apologies falls apart, it's spectacularly ugly...

Monkey Donkey sold out as quickly as possible, recording "It's Cool to Skip Skool (When You're Blind Drunk, Beeotch)" with Puff Daddy. The unorthodox combo soared to the top of the charts and swelled the mad gorilla's head even further.

I'm Sorry had stolen every last cent of the profits from their third single, "Barrels of Love (Shot From My Ass)". Their manager had tried to stop them and was quickly dispatched with I'm Sorry's surprisingly emormous fist.

I'm Sorry was later found sliced in two. Security cameras captured this color image of his death; a named suspect and a motive still elude international police. Zeroes Unlimited is sad to announce that I'm Sorry never left Eurasia alive.

Mega Crap was caught in a compromisingly filthy position with Kevin "Mr. Body Beautiful" Richardson of the Backstreet Boys, leading to Kevin's resignation and a serious beating for Mega Crap at the hands of Monkey Donkey.

The band was the object of critical and public ridicule, and their mangling of "Hot Rod Lincoln", an old favorite by Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen, didn't sweeten matters one whit. Ken, the only Apology without something twisted under his belt (recently, at any rate -- the accident with the 10-speed bike was almost two decades ago) was left alone to deny insidious outside influence in the band's creative tack. And Zartan, true to form, was nowhere to be found.

To be continued...

We'll just see about that. Click above to return to Zeroes Unlimited.