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ARTICLES
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Zartan's back. He's a goddamned Machine he is. You know the story:
Koei makes horrible historical-simulation game, Jaded Journalist
writes long-winded rambling article about it. Good times had by
all.
By: Zartan
01/13/03
Monkey Donkey takes us on a drunken, rambling, descent into the
hell that is Video Game Yaoi Slash Comic Hell. Yeah, this should
be on EA,
but this was originally written for us. TAKE THAT, LAGO!
By: Monkey Donkey; 11/22/02
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can
pay it; It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth
of America: Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about
five years he's going to stumble across Doom... and when that happens...
God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy
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Classic
Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 6/15/00
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Once upon a time, I found a link that let me watch what
people were submitting to that zany "Ask Jeeves" search engine
in real time. Here are some of my personal favorites. This is not a hoax!
Not an imaginary story! You dare not miss--
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Ask
Me Anything:
A showcase of unshaven and impatient idiocy
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Ouch. Now that's arousing!
MC Wodehouse, keepin' it real.
I'd guess that once you dug the damned thing it wouldn't require much discipline.
Cheap and illiterate -- what a catch!
Faked nude photos of teenaged celebrities: the truly universal language.
Grrr! Hulk want comfortable, yet sensible furniture!
"You know, from that time at Jack In The Box when Boner ate like fifty
of those little tacos and later on like totally blew chunks all over the fishing
rods at that 24-hour Wal-Mart." Oh, that Abbie and Zak.
Please, people -- talk to your kids about sex before Jeeves does. He's been
a bit touched since the war.
How David Got His Funk Back: an Internet success story.
This person clearly hasn't discovered the scads of free pornography, software,
and bomb recipes yet.
Strangely enough, all his results were related to Republican welfare reform.
Yes, fine and clever young people like this are Canada's first line of defense!
"Don't let good taste and dignity get in the way of getting back at your
parents"?
Looks like someone forgot to say "please".
By asking Jeeves for relationship advice, you've really answered your own question.
Sorry, slick, you'll have to build four houses first just like the rest of us.
(Rimshot.)
It's good to see that Hacksaw Jim Duggan has almost worked out how to
use those tricky search engines.
Clever HaX0rZ just ask Dj33Vx0r.
Why yes, yes she does. Thanks for asking.
And a good URNSLFO to you too, buddy.
And to think I've been blowing all this money on financial advisors!
This genius went on to ask this verypuzzlingquestion about five hundred times
in the space of a few minutes.
I don't know, but if he doesn't do balloon animals I want my money back.
Looks like someone couldn't be bothered breaking his internet connection to
call the vet.
One thing's for sure: Billy lives in a magical world all his own.
I'd go with the old standby: starvation, beatings, and lots of oil paintings
of clowns.
Yeah, go for the gusto!
Something about this request just screams "aging yuppie".
For generations, my people have used the mysterious-sounding "soap and
water" to remove unsightly parasites.
Ladies and gentlemen: the only person on Earth who hasn't seen one of
those fucking DeVry Institute commercials.
Yep.
Don't everyone slap their forehead at once.
When you want to be alienated and oh-so-different in style...
Well, if they don't have a skilled prostitute on retainer, it usually involves
lots of crying and pills and wrecked motel rooms.
Jesus H. Christ, how can't you get an AOL boyfriend? I thought everyone
with a clitoris and a functional understanding of chat rooms had had an AOL
boyfriend at one time or another.
Well, that basically sums up your average internet user, right there.
...will take home over $15,000 in cash and prizes in our "Incoherent Search
Engine Query" Bonanza!
Here you go: (1) Extend thumb. (2) Insert thumb into ass. (3) Trade in computer
for your weight in Hot Wheels.
Don't you live anywhere near a high school? Jeez.
Remember: if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down.
Hey look, it's our "what may cause a missed period" honors student,
a couple of months down the road.
What, you're developing cataracts and just want to get it over with?
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Click above to go back to Zeroes Unlimited.
(Yeah, this one's for you, Hector.)
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