More Crap

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 2/18/00

Lago has written this ode to Mega Crap, and I honestly believe that someone, somewhere, should have this engraved on a bronze plaque. It's just un-fucking-believable. In recognition of his service to the world of NES ROM hacking, and in fervent hopes that this piece will inspire more closeted, anti-social computer nerds to produce bigger and better Mega Craps, Zeroes Unlimited is proud to present Lago with this allegedly prestigious award, and present his essay here complete, uncut, and unedited. I think Bryan would have wanted it that way.

My Love for Mega Crap
By Lago
I don't know why I ever started playing ROM Hacks. I guess I thought they could pump some originality into the games or something like that. Look at all the multitudes of "Super Mario Bros. With Better Graphics" hacks. I guess my fifteen year old mind thought "Ooh! Shiny!" when I saw those. At the time, 1997 or 1998 or whenever the hell ROM hacking was the big craze, I was heavily into it. I tried my hands at a few hacks, but inevitably quit when I realized that it was too much work. I downloaded all the new, cool hacks, all the bad drug paraphenalia hacks, all the ugly lesbian or penis fixated porno hacks, and all the badly drawn "extra violence" hacks. Yes, it was all very cool back when we learned to use the NESticle tile editor. Yeah, I even knew the guy who designed the infamous Nude Punch-Out! hack (In case you were wondering, he's pretty much mets your expectations: 17, ugly, fat, stupid, wrestling fan, still liked Power Rangers, listened to bad music, stopped liking Marilyn Manson when he "sold out", etc.) Anyways, after the intitial craze, I pretty much stayed out of the loop.

2000. My experience with hacks has been unfruitful. They bore me to death. Pot leaves don't make Mario any more fun! 16x16 tiles are about as sexy as evisceration porno! So I don't download hacks anymore. Most of them aren't funny, intentionally or unintentionally.

Then I find Zeroes Unlimited and Mega Crap.

Oh my God. After all these years of hideous breasts and phalluses representing the author's homoerotic tendancies, I wasn't sure if NESticle's tile editor should have ever been created. Mega Crap redeems everything. Mega Crap is the ROM Hack equivalent of Christ. Christ taught people to love one another and to stay away from evil, Mega Crap teaches us to beware of Gaybos and who the leader of all this bull shit is. Christ fed the masses with some fish and bread, Mega Crap entertains the masses with a single ROM file on a server (but you must delete it after twenty-four hours, of course). Christ defied gravity by walking on water, Mega Crap features Mega Man (or "Hoe") defying gravity by using "Homo Up" tiles. Christ was crucified, Mega Crap was ignored. Christ redeemed mankind, Mega Crap redeemed ROM Hacking.

"Hey," you say. "I've played Nakio. I've played Nuts and Balls. I've played Ninja Acid Brothers. What makes Mega Crap so amazingly great?" Well, I'm glad you asked. The first reason is the Gaybos. Who are the Gaybos? Literary scholars from all over the world have spent years trying to find out who the Gaybos are and why they are trying to destroy Hoe's dick. The reason for their insurgeance at Hoe's penis is still unclear, but it has been determined that the Gaybos are the little hard hat guys with the word "GAY" on their helmets. Where do they come from, though? And what are their reasons? Only Homoman knows for sure. It is unknown whether Homoman wishes to destroy Hoe's dick as well.

Another thing that makes Mega Crap a masterpiece can be described in two words: Balls Hold. Grab Me, Man's weapon, known as the Balls Hold, is given to Hoe after the defeat of Grab Me, Man. There is not much more that can be said about the Balls Hold. Only... Genius. Pure Genius. Capcom could learn a thing or two from Bryan.

The third and most powerful of the reasons is the characters. The characterization is beyond all other ROM hacks. Here, I will describe four of the most interesting of the characters:

Hoe: Hoe is the hero of our story. Like Hamlet before him, he suffers from bipolar syndrome. This is displayed by his large smile. Normally, he is exuberant, happy, and full of energy. However, if you let him stand, his smile will become a frown, showing his deeply disturbed and depressed soul. In school, he was the nerd. He would let his mom shop for him. This is shown by poor fashion sense. He would be picked on, verbally abused, and physically assaulted. This, combined by an already bipolar personality, turned him into a manic-depressive time bomb. Hoe is on prozac now, and he is not as depressed as he was, but his depression still lies in his path, barring his search for the Gaybos. In Mega Crap, you must learn to deal with this dark aspect of Hoe.

Homoman: Hoe's arch nemesis, some refer to him as the "ubergay". Leader of the Gaybos, the one behind all this bull shit. His fruity scarf is a symbol of his proud homosexuality, and some speculate that it also symbolizes his strange affixiation on sadomasochism. Yes, Homoman is a sadomasochistic freak. He holds his henchmen under the fear of his infamous Cat o' Nine Tails and penis clamps. It is unknown where his bizarre sexual tastes come from, but some say that it was a sexually abusive father. Now, Homoman is megalomaniacal and very fruity. He kidnapped Dr. Fag to force a showdown between himself and Hoe, a final battle between good and evil. Yes, Homoman is evil, but he also has a sensitive side, which can be found later in the game.

Grab Me, Man: Grab Me, Man was a sexual offender in his prime. Charged with statutory rape, he spent many years in prison. Originally, he was "I'll Grab Your Crotch, Kid", in prison, he eventually became "Grab Me, Man" when he became the collective bitch of the entire prison population. In prison, though, he found God. Every night, he prayed. Eventually, God saw his good soul and gave him the power to reverse gravity. Yes, instead of feeding starving children in Ethiopia or stopping war, God gave Grab Me, Man the ability to reverse gravity. When he got out, he was still weak from all the forced prison sex, and was easily lead by Homoman, who made Grab Me, Man his bitch. Now, Grab Me, Man longs for the day he can find freedom from Homoman. Goddammit, Grab Me, Man. You can fucking reverse gravity. Put two and two together, idiot.

Gayo Man: Gayo Man is another character of immense internal suffering. During his teenage years, he felt immense sexual conflict. He repressed his urges, and let himself be known by the fairly normal "Gyro Man". However, after a gratifying experience involving a toilet stall, a conveniently drilled hole, and Homoman, he learned a great deal about his true nature. Even at the beginning of the game, Gyro Man still tries to hide the Gayo Man aspect of himself from the rest of the world. After defeating Gyro Man, Hoe attempts to console him as best as possible. After telling Gyro Man that it was "Okay to be Gay", Gayo Man came out of the closet. From that point on, Gayo Man was proud and free.

After this, if you don't think Mega Crap is the best hack ever, there is something wrong with you. Go back to your Nude Punch Out!, philistine! If you want art, though, Crapcom's Mega Crap is the thing for you. No question.

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