Crap-Tastic Voyage

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 02/13/00

Big Punisher Weighed 700 Pounds, Had Enlarged Heart
Rapper's heart was three times the normal size, medical examiner says
Rapper Big Punisher was nearly 700 pounds at the time of his death Monday, according to the deputy medical examiner of Westchester County, N.Y. "He had an enlarged heart, about three times the normal size," Dr. Louis Roh said. "That is not healthy."
While the county is awaiting the results of routine toxicology and microscopic tests before ruling on an official cause of death, Roh said the 698-pound rapper, whose born name was Christopher Rios, showed signs of heart failure and extreme obesity.

Big Punisher, remembered best for his assertion that "[he] just fuck[s] a lot". Big Pun, originally from the Island of the Giant, Fearlessly Indiscriminate Women, will be missed.

The above news report was, much to my surprise, tragically overlooked by all of the major emulation news sites. Perhaps because it was so routine: "Rapper gets fat, dies" is all you see in the music sheets these days. My Nose For News, however, told me that there was another side to this story. Believe the county coroner's line about "unknown cause of death" if you will, but Zeroes Unlimited knows what really killed Big Punisher. Only here can you step up to the truth and take the...

...Journey to the

of Big Punisher!

You knew it, I knew it, the whole world knew it: Big Punisher had a problem. He was just too fucking fat. His press materials claimed that he weighed in at a twinkle-toed 400 pounds, but just one look at the massive Latino superstar and you knew better. Big Pun was, in fact, 700 pounds of fun-loving mischief. His handlers had sent him to fat camp for a summer, where he lost 100 pounds, only to find it again upon return to New York. The other day I heard someone say "I gain weight just looking at cheesecake"; this psychokinetic obesity may have been the heart of Big Pun's problems.

Doctors "Mad Dog" and "Scorpion", ready to embark on another terrifying voyage in the name of health and beauty.

For Big Pun, the last straw came during a telephone chat with old family friend and personal confidante, Larry Benedict. Benedict, a New York-area lawyer, expressed his disgust at Big Pun's size, and challenged the rapper to "get off [his] economy-sized ass" and take active steps towards improving his health and appearance. Big Pun took the insults "good-naturedly" until Benedict's comment that no one in his family would "be so stupid". At this point, Big Pun exploded, and demanded that he receive more radical treatment.
For many years, rap stars "in the know" had relied upon a dangerous and obscure weight maintenance method: shrinking commandos to micro-size and flying them directly into the body, where they blast away fat from within. Despite the risks to both doctors and patient, it was decided that the time had come to send Big Pun to the Red Falcon clinic, where he would be slimmed down to a more acceptable, but attainable, Biggie Smalls or Sir Mix-A-Lot size.

A dramatization of the fateful conversation that ultimately led to Big Pun's demise.

And now, the photos of the operation that only Zeroes Unlimited could bring you. Viewers with weak stomachs should not continue further.


Dr. Scorpion's insertion went without a hitch; Big Pun could and regularly did swallow objects six times the size of his own head. Problems began, however, when Big Pun seized a couple of Steak & Ale mints from a nearby purse and shoveled them into his mouth, wrappers and all.	Here we see the long-term effects of consuming one's own weight in fried foods daily. An ordinary human body, despite all efforts, will not be able to eat as much as Big Pun -- his body had evolved extra mouths in unlikely places to facilitate the consumption process. Also shown are a couple of stray shrimp scampi.

This photo explains Big Pun's resilience, physical toughness and, to some degree, amazing mass. The fat in his body had begun to harden and form solid, chitinous walls. It is speculated that with this layer of natural armor, Big Pun could withstand a direct blast from a Howitzer. Also shown: more mouths, spitting bit of undigested Moon Pie at Dr. Scorpion.	After hours of blasting away hardened fat deposits all over Big Pun's body, Dr. Scorpion reached the enlarged heart. At the time of the operation, it was not known that the heart was enlarged to this extent, nor was it known that spawning pods had sprung up around the cardiac cavity. Dr. Scorpion was forced to defend himself with the fat-cutting laser, which may have hastened Big Pun's demise.

Every good doctor knows that when a patient's internal organs begin to flash and shoot fireballs, it's time to abandon the operation. Dr. Scorpion is no exception, and is shown here fleeing for his life.	The laser had sent Big Pun's heart into convulsions, and the massive amounts of blood being pumped through the rapper's body at an extremely high pressure simply ripped him apart. It is clear from Big Pun's expression that even in his last moments he had no idea just what the hell was going on.

As well you should, dear.