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FINDINGS / SCORING:
Wanton Violence/Crime (W):
- traumatic injury, repeated
- reckless hopping
- fighting
- swimming perils
- pitfalls
- crushing of innocent fungi
- explosions
- cannon fire
- repeated firearms threats, several
times to head
- giant shoe
- angry demons
- monster terror
- ghostly terror
- character repeatedly crushed by falling
stones
- death by falling
- death by drowning
- death by immolation in lava
- glamorization of evil
- kidnapping
- transmutation with intent to harm
- usurping of a kingdom
Impudence/Hate (I)(1):
- disrespect for rightful tyrannical
despot
- questioning authority
- discrimination against the colors
- froggy hate
Sex/Homosexuality (S):
- camera angle to force viewer on private
parts, repeatedly
- inappropriate rowdiness
- dressing to maximize the female form
and/or skin exposure
- offscreen intercourse
- cohabitation
- dressing for exhibitionism
- sexual innuendo
Drugs/Alcohol (D):
- cosumption of mushrooms, dried leaves
to get "higher" and "fly high"
- designers obviously under influence
of evil drugs
Offense to God (O)(2):
- denial of creation myth
- glamorization of evil/hell
- accepting evolution as true
- wearing a stupid froggy suit, I mean,
come on, that should be a sin in of itself
- games of chance
- idolotry
- worship of evil
- fires that burn, but do not consume
- giants appearing outside of Genesis
Murder/Suicide (M)(3):
- toadstool crushed
- tortose stomped
- ghost bopped with hammer
- fish shot with fireball
- usurpers crushed by statue
- evil worship
- villain falling off a precipice
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SUMMARY / COMMENTARY:
| If Scriptural references appear, the full
text appears at the end of the Summary / Commentary likely using
a mix of KJV and NIV. |
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3 (R-13)
-- "Beware lest any man spoil you..."
Title: Super Mario Brothers 3
Type: Blasphemous Platform Romp
Distribution: Nintendo "Entertainment" System
Director(s): Shigeru Miyamoto
Boy, I tell you. When I was informed by a member of my parish that kids
these days can now interact with the pictures on their television screens
instead of passivley sitting there, absorbing our kind-hearted and truthful
Religious Programming (for when they're not at Sunday School, far away
from the evil influences of carbonated sodas and chocolate malteds).
I was appalled. How dare children, the young and innocent youths of
today, bastions of purity and wholesomeness choose what actions that
they are to perform! Why, that's the rightful duty of us overprotective
and smothering parents and the Church! Children should not make their
own choices until they're eighteen and we've since kicked them out of
our houses to fend for themselves! Its just not The Christian Way!
I immediatley and without pause ran to the local
pawn-and-electronics shop and demanded that I was to be shown to the
latest-and-greatest "video electronic-interactive" system.
The clerk behind three inches of bulletproof glass, a stalwart veteran
of the Decline of Modern Civilization eyed me with the weary eyes of
a man who's seen the pits of hell, had the eternal flames lick at the
tips of his boots, for this place is the modern, amoral, evil
America Of Today. He swiveled on his chair, rummaging through some boxes
and shelves. The hard-faced man produced a gray box, dangling with cables
and what appeared to be a tethered remote control.
He informed me that this was the greatest, whiz-bang,
shoot-em-up, thrills-to-the-wall et cetera video gaming system that
all the kids are playing nowadays. And because he liked the cut of my
hair, he said that he'd not only throw in a few games, but also slash
the price, from $250 to a bargain-busting $200! I left the store, "video
game" in arm, eager in an altogether unwholesome way to plug this
evil device into my television and find out for myself why it is pulling
the souls from the pews and pulpits and placing them on living room
floors, where they clearly do not belong.
Once arriving at home, I followed the overly
complex instructions on how to set up this "video game" box.
I found myself relieved, as I, an educated and intelligent member of
the best danged church in Texas couldn't figure out how to plug this
beast into the televison, that I'm certain that an average Sunday School-child
would have inordinate difficulty operating it! Oh how my fears were
quelled by this revelation (no, not the Book, but the simple ephiphany
that a mere child could never keep this jumble of wires straight, as
straight as their happily married sex lives will be, because if not,
O Mightiest Lord will smite them down in their sweaty, sinful beds where
they lie in the stink of the homosexual encounter from the night before...)
After several hours of fumbling with wires, I
had the "system" up and running! I slid the long, cool dark
cartridge into the slick, dark opening of the "system." I
had no idea what to do at this point, nothing was happening, so I thrust
it back and forth in the narrow slit, but to no avail. It wasn't until
I figured out that I needed to get my fingers in there and press down
that everything seemed to click. I pressed the button marked "power"
and she got a'humming and purring like a sweet, obediant choir girl,
staying late after Sunday School to clean the pipe organ.
I was greeted with a simplistic, cartoonish screen
featuring an amusing play between two similar-looking brothers and some
turtle shells. Marvelous! I thought to myself. For, this wasn't
as bad as my parishmates let on. I see a barest minimum of youthful
decision-making going on. After all, it is for Adults to tell children
what to do and what to think, for they are far to stupid and impressionable
to peer pressure to make up their own minds! (especially when it comes
to religion, because being Jesus' friend is hard work! Kids lack the
discipline to be Jesus' friend, that's why we adults must constantly
point them in the proper direction, despite their protests!)
But, before I knew it, I was faced with a choice!
One player or Two?!! Well, since there was only one of me holding the
tethered remote (I had since discovered that I was holding it upside-down
and had to correct myself), I selected One Player. Then, suddenly, I
was thrust into a cartoon world filled with choices and decisions and
peril! I found myself on a map, able to move to the left, then up. When
I reached some sort of black box inscripted with some glyph of sorts,
I was unable to progress any further. Great! I thought! So far,
a limit placed on the children's free will! I was relieved! Ready to
give Super Mario Brothers 3 a Green Light, signifying to Parents and
Grandparents that this "game" was a Safe Buy!
That is, of course, until I did some experimentation
and discovered that one could "enter" the dark, black, deep,
mysterious chasm by simply pressing Button A... Once inside the black
box, I was confronted with things to DO... Aghast, I pressed the right
button on the tethered remote. And as if by some sort of non-Godly magic,
the small cartoon character representing myself began to walk toward
the right of the screen! His journey was cut short by some sort of blasphemous
walking mushroom, who instantly killed me. I was thrust back to the
map-part of the game!
Over the hours that proceeded, I got the "feel"
for the game. Your cartoon character turned out to be quite the bloodthirsty
and devious monster, even more dangerous and smiting than the demons
he is fighting against. I don't see a Flaming Sword nor do I see any
Symbols of Righteousness and Crusadedom, leading me to believe that
"Mario" (as I've since been told his name) is nothing but
a sadist and racist hater of both the mushroom-folk and turtle-folk.
He sets out to defeat the rightful lords of the realms he travels through,
and this is just plain wrong. What kind of humans, nay, AMERICANS would
we be if we were to follow the Gospel as Spake by Mario and rising up
against tyrants that hold us under their jackboots? Our Founding Fathers
surely didn't give up their lives so that kids today could grow up with
ideas of destroying our Great State and all the wonders and good things
that America stands for! Disagreeing with what the majority says is
Not The American Way and anybody who believes otherwise should be interned
and shot with machineguns! Jesus wouldn't have it any other way!
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
SCRIPTURAL APPLICATION(S)
If needed to focus or fortify, applicable text is underlined or
bracketed [ ]. If you wish to have full context available, the Blue
Letter Bible is a convenient source. If you use the Blue Letter Bible,
a new window will open. Close it to return here or use "Window" in your
browser's menu bar to alternate between the CAP page and the Blue Letter
Bible page.
- Gal. 5:21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness,
revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have
also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not
inherit the kingdom of God.
- Prov. 7:26 - 27 Many are the victims she [the
adultress/seducttress which can include an exhibitionist, male or
female] has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. Her house
is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.
- Sammy 4:22 And then came from the depths of
the water, a beast so ponderous and evil that it was to avoid description.
It had heads of a turkey, but body of a seventeen-year-old japanese
schoolgirl. O did she force me to play strip pachinko. And Yea, did
I lose, badly.
- Luke 3:12-14 Then came also publicans [tax
collectors] to be baptized, and said unto him, Master, what shall
we do? And he said unto them, Exact no more than that which is appointed
you. And the soldiers likewise demanded of him, saying, And what shall
we do? And he said unto them, Do violence to no man [do not extort],
neither accuse any falsely; and be content with your wages.
- Prov. 28:17 A man tormented by the guilt of
murder will be a fugitive till death; let no one support him.
- Zeke, 34:98 O and the Lord set upon the wicked
turning them thereforth unto tortoses and a peculiar variety of fire-breathing
plant. When Thomas asked the Lord as to why he inflicted this injustice
against the Kooptes, He said to Thomas "Hath thou fingers like
the Lord?" And Thomas in earnest and naivete did respond: "Yea,
O wise and Holy Lord, for thou create'd me in thine image. Therefore,
It has been demonstrated that Yea, I doth verily have fingers like
mine most beloved of Lords." And thus, the Lord struck Thomas
down, forever condemning him to a life of thowing hammers at Italians.
*******Food for Daily Thought*******
- 1 Cor. 15:33 (KJV) Be not deceived: evil communications
corrupt good manners. (NIV) Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts
good character.
- 6 Moraff. 1:9 (NIV) By registering Dungeons
of the Unforgiven, you are given access to the Moraff Vault and allowed
three downloads of some stupid Moraff Mah-Jonng game of choice.
- Jude 4 For certain men* whose condemnation
was written about long ago have secretly slipped in among you. They
are godless men, who change the grace of our God into a license for
immorality and deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord. [*men:
anthropos {anth'-ro-pos}, generic, a human being, whether male or
female]
- Matt. 25:40 And the King shall answer and
say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it
unto [or for] one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done
it unto [or for] me.
- Luke 17:2 It would be better for him to be
thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for
him to cause one of these little ones to sin. [cause by teaching or
example]
- Bill. 32:928 O yea and the Lord did deliver
unto him flowers of flame that doth smote his enemies but good and
yea, did they consume greatly the bounty of charred flesh, basted
ever-so-lightly with cilantro and vinegar.
- Ps. 119:133 Direct my footsteps according
to your word; let no sin rule over me.
- John 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.
- 1 Thess. 5:22 Abstain from all appearance
of evil.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
As always, it is best to refer to the Findings/Scoring section --
the heart of the CAP analysis model -- for the most complete assessment
possible of this movie.
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