TITLE

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/3/99

I wish we got the Pro Wrestling Network in Australia.

This game rules. Here's why.

THE ANNOUNCER

If I end up half as cool as this guy, it'll have been worth it.

This is Cory, the announcer for The Pro Wrestling Network. Cory likes his job. He really, really wants you to win. Good for him, I say. When I was a kid, this guy made the game for me. I don't know what it was, exactly, that made the idea of having a newscaster before matches so damned cool, but it worked. I pumped quarter after quarter into that machine, never really minding that I was consistently getting my ass handed to me by the first opponent. Cory rules. (I know that Cory is, actually, the announcer's name in Mat Mania, but the announcer in Exciting Hour is named Nari. I like Cory and I like the name "Exciting Hour", so I'll mix and match as I please.)

THE WRESTLERS

Insane Warrior	The Insane Warrior -- nothing too special here. After you know how to play, you can just have a merry old time beating the shit out of him. He is, in my opinion, the coolest looking wrestler in Exciting Hour. A bit of trivia: he's only called "Insane Warrior" in Mat Mania, the American version. In Exciting Hour, he's the "Insane Worrier". This is not a mistake; Technos originally planned to make an "All-Disorders Pro Wrestling" game, with other fighters like Crazed Masturbator, Unsettled Kleptomaniac, and Grumbling Quadraplegic.
Karate Fighter	"Karate Fighter", my ass. I'm not too impressed with this guy. First of all, I'm sick and tired of wrestling games dragging out that tired old "karate" guy archetype just to have an excuse to throw in someone really, really fast and really, really cheap. I wasn't too impressed with Kin Korn Karn of Pro Wrestling infamy, either. I think this guy must resemble someone at Technos, because he's a dead ringer for Chintai out of Double Dragon.	A parade of dumbfucks.
Coco Savage	Ah, Coco Savage. Even if your surname is spelled "Savege" in Exciting Hour, which makes you sound more like a French dessert than an enormous, violent man-beast, I still fear you. Coco Savage will keep his distance until you (the player, I'm addressing you again now) start laughing at his ridiculous oversized lips, and then he comes over and beats the mortal fuck through you. Seriously, this guy is fucking hard. He's also very, very shiny, and while I admire Technos' attention to detail, I also find the fact that they've got a glistening, mostly naked wrestler to be somewhat disturbing.	Kid Quick, another victim of the Japanese obsession with minstrel show-style black men in video games.
The Pirahna	The Pirahna (which is spelled "The Pirania" in Exciting Hour, to my heartfelt surprise) is your basic "rule breaking" wrestler. His only special moves are wildly illegal, and adding to this overall feeling of menace is a really cool mask. He was later ripped off, lock stock and barrel, by Nintendo for use in Pro Wrestling. Funny how that name keeps coming up... Yeah, The Amazon's "outlaw choke" and "head bite" are the mildest of variations on The Pirahna's repertoir of pain.	The Amazon, a thieving little shit.
Golden Hulk	No points for guess who this character is supposed to be. Let's see here, he's got long blonde hair, a goofy mustache, the word "Hulk" in his name, and he's the Big Wrestling Champion... If you haven't guessed that Golden Hulk is really a thinly disguised Gemini (of American Gladiators fame), go sit in the corner. And now, a Tru-Life™ American Gladiators moment: A man finds out he has been accepted to be on American Gladiators. He goes home to his aging father and says, "Dad! Dad! I got on Gladiators!" And his dad says, "That's great! But what about Gemini?" Thanks, Dad.	Gemini says: "The Atlasphere is not licensed for street use."

THE AUDIENCE


Here we've got Popeye (upper left), a Beatle, and Darth Vader.	ZZ Top (they're the ones with the "ZZ Top" t-shirts, in case you didn't know), Superman, and Stevie Wonder.	I have a feeling that Captain Chest Hair is someone famous that I just don't recognize. Also present are Debbie Harry and a guy in an Einsturzende Neubauten t-shirt.

It's the Skipper from Gilligan's Island.	The Sex Pistols, Princess Leia, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, and a xenomorph from Alien.	It's nice to see that a little old lady and a bull dyke can put aside their differences and enjoy an Exciting Hour together.

Don't touch Cory's stuff. No, seriously.

Cory gets very excited about the Title Match. I can't tell you how much I love this guy. Rolled-up sleeves, disheveled hair -- he must go through six packs of cigarettes a day. Either that, or he's just out of his mind on speed. Maybe both. He's got that Japanese salaryman work ethic going for him.


After you slap the mortal shit out of Golden Hulk, whom everyone agreed had it coming, you're treated to a little championship ceremony, presided over by the comic book store owner from The Simpsons.	Ooh la la! It looks like "you" get a kiss from Miss Exciting Hour! She's pretty dowdy, for a wrestling glamour chick. I thought only barefoot hippie women wore those wrap skirts. Not a dry eye in the house by this point.

I'm just so tired.

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