When hemorrhoids flare up, who ya gonna call?

"versus" courtesy of Power Instinct

TITLE

Pyro 2: Has the words "world terrorism" in the title, thus assuring us of a wholesome and pleasant gaming experience.

The Firemen: Well... it's accurate, if nothing else.

Advantage: Pyro 2

DEVELOPER

Thanks, Mike.

The Japanese will name their companies anything. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "American Sammy". Who was fooled?

Pyro 2: ...is in fact 10-year-old shareware from a guy named Michael O'Brien. Yes, leave it to the dependable Irish to bring us the world's first "burn down lots and lots of buildings" game. Michael O'Brien, according to my thirty seconds of half-assed web searching, unfortunately vanished before he could bring us other Irish originals such as Headbutter 2: The Spawning and Rooftop Sniper 2: Yeh'll Pay Fer That, Yeh Daft Cunt. The fact that it has recently been declared "abandonware" does not speak well for his fate.

The Firemen: ...was put together by "Human Entertainment". (This is comforting. I once bought a game put out by a company called "Big Stupid Dog Entertainment" called Ball! Sounds like a good, fast-paced sports game, right? Maybe -- ghasp -- e-even a 5-in-1 pack! And Gamepro gave it five electrocuted heads [or whatever their rating system was that week], so how could I miss? Well, i should have known: the whole game was just watching a bouncing ball. My dog loved it, though, and I ended up having to put one of those "homework-first" locks on the SNES.) Human, as far as I can tell, is still around, cranking out games for creatures with opposable thumbs and more than five non-ball-related brain cells.

Advantage: The Firemen

CHARACTER(S)

Pyro 2: The hero's a goddamn pyromaniac. And a bloody methodical one, too. So methodical, in fact, you might call him "anal" -- he runs around through the halls, unspooling burning string and carefully spilling gas cans. Still, it's like I've always said: in arson, it pays to be thorough. And anyone whose first order of business is torching the IRS building is all right by me. There aren't enough proper lunatics in video games: sure, you've got gun-toting psychos by the score, and unbalanced loners meant to appeal to the perpetually alienated, fucked-up psyche of your typical video game consumer, but where are the interesting afflictions? I want a narcoleptic, agoraphobic ju-jitsu expert, chop chop!

The Firemen: Among others, one of the heroes is a red-headed dispatcher named "Winona". For about 2 levels, Ithought that the dispatcher was a man, until someone called her by name. She's very, very mannish -- in other world you might find her, say, teaching sculpture to seventh-graders or hosting a cable access show about tropical fish -- and that hurts. On the other hand, kudos to human for not having a female firefighter be a pneumatic bimbo whose applies makeup with a trowel. And the firemen are slightly more durable than that pyromaniac.

Tie

COSTUME

Pyro 2: You're wearing pink from head to toe. This is, of course, extrapolating the existence of a "head" and "toes" on what is basically a big pink block. This just screams "bad idea". You say you've got no time to get from your Jazzercise classes to break into those federal buildings? Damn it, make the time.

The Firemen: Again, they're just firemen. But they're pretty cool looking firemen, with that clever blend of fine detail and cartoonish, iconic faces. Plus the main character's got this fucking huge mustache. You know, that mustache that droops down at the sides and says, "yeah, I know I'm way past my prime, but that's okay -- I've decided to throw myself into my work at the roadside fireworks stand, and my nights? They were made for Milwaukee's Best -- in the red can." Those (the mustaches and the beer) rule.

Advantage: The Firemen

GAMEPLAY

Pyro 2: This game is fucking hard. As i mentioned before, the pyro is not very fire-smart: one touch of the flame and he goes up like Taiwanese pyjamas. (Check out the picture on the left of the pyro being reduced to a fine brown grit.) Then again, i've never played a game quite like Pyro 2. It's one of those damn undefinable action-puzzle games. I mean, go to the heart of the African bushland, find one of the last seven or eight human beings on earth who hasn't played Tetris (the Soviet mind game), and try to explain it to him without the use of pictures or hand gestures. And, like Tetris, Pyro 2 is really perfect as it is.

The Firemen: Bloody great gameplay. It's really easy to pick up and the engaging graphics and immersive atmosphere get you hooked fast. It's nothing like, say, The Ignition Factor, a game that could have been good were it not for the slight drawback that you have three years of actual fucking fire and rescue training before you get past the first level. The Firemen would be perfect were it not for the fact that it has some of the most frustrating and inane bosses that ever graced the screen. I know I bitch a lot about bosses, but come on. The game really would have been better off without them; they break up the flow of the story and the learning curve.

Tie

GRAPHICS

Okay, I admit it. I suck.

This is probably a screen shot from The Firemen.

Pyro 2: The stunning, photo-realistic renderings of world landmarks such as the Library of Congress, the Smithsonian, and the IRS (canny Pyro 2 players will see from my limited list of locales how crap I am at this game) are all the more amazing when you realize it was all done in ASCII. ASCII rules. Emmanuel Lewis sez: If you want to know more about ASCII, burn down your local library or play the following games: Castle Adventure (starring DEAD OGRE and VAMPIRE), Trade Wars 2002 (home of the ultra-powerful "Ooh Dinosaur Malt Liquor Company"), and Wumpus 2. And that's One To Grow On.

The Firemen: ...would've blown away even the fierce competition offered by Pyro 2 were it not for the fact that ZSNES craps out at a few points in the game, offering a black screen where there should be rain and fire and broken glass, etc etc. I don't hold ZSNES responsible for that -- I hold Human Entertainment responsible, for trying to be so fucking clever that the best SNES emulator around gives up on some of the graphics. And again I refer you to the hopelessly androgynous Winona.

Advantage: Pyro 2

SOUND

This really isn't a very fair category, is it? But i'm calling it a tie anyway, just on the basis of (a) pc speaker nostalgia and (b) Pyro 2's sheer chutzpah. You can't really show sound, so here's a typically weird and inexplicable "news" bit I saved, courtesy of MSN.

The final verdict? They both rule. Check 'em out.

Let the Genuine Electric Latin Love Machine lead you back to the rest of Zeroes Unlimited.