Archives
by Author: Zartan
Classic Zeroes
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can pay it; It's
all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth of America:
Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about five years he's going
to stumble across Doom... and when that happens... God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy; 08/31/02
The God Damned Journey Game. I wish I had something nice to say about this travesty,
but you know I don't...
By: UkuHawa; 08/21/02
OH MY GOD. New content from The Zartan. And I didn't even have to disguse myself
as Ripcord to get it (although, I do have a small, but loyal contingent of aussie
bikers to watch my six, yeah). Hope you enjoy it, because Zartan updates about
as often as I eat something other than jelly donuts and grape soda (Zeroes
Unlimited would like to apologize for the persistent and oblique references
to Larry Hama's run on GI Joe).
By Zartan; 08/19/02
And finally the Interview With The Male Prostitute. In case you're wondering,
ladies, he's not interested...
Also significant as this is where Zartan dissapeared and has been considered
Killed In Action. Godspeed you brave soldier, Godspeed...
By: Zartan; 04/07/00
Hailed across the land as Zartan's best article. Meh, why argue with the masses?
By: Zartan; 07/23/00
Zartan's great at making us feel good about ourselves (especially those of us
that fancy ourselves as "writers" then we read his stuff and seriously
contemplate stepping away from the keyboard and picking up some Hot Wheels or
something...)
By: Zartan; 06/20/00
Are you gay?
By: Zartan; 06/15/00
Mein Gott en Himmel... I know that I'm pathetic, but at least I HAVE been on
dates... I think it's a good thing that I don't live Down Undah, lest I accidentally
happen across "This Butt's For You"
By: Zartan; 05/31/00
More indespensable knowledge from the inscrutable Winston. This man has changed
my life. Before Winston, I was a sad, lonely, borderlind-suicidal guy who wrote
snotty web pages about video games. Now, thanks to Winston, I done got myself
laid. ROTSA THANKS WINSTON!
By: Zartan; 05/29/00
The best pop group to ever take Europe by storm. You'd think their .MP3s would
be easier to find then..?
By: Zartan; 05/05/00
HAPPY EASTER!
By: Zartan; 04/23/00/
Moraffware's secretary has officially disavowed all knowlege of this game and
its affiliation with the organization.
By: Zartan; 04/20/00
In a fair fight, I'd still pick the Firemen, because they default as invincible.
By: Zartan; 04/07/00
Winston RULES
By: Zartan; 04/07/00
Show of hands. Anybody else get the persistent Robert Z'Dar references? Didn't
think so.
By: Zartan; 03/21/00
Does Overclocked still even exist? I mean, has the guy even updated his page
since the glaciers last retreated? Good thing he gets "free" hosting,
otherwise ZVGQ and
the original ZerUn would dissapear into the ether...
By: Zartan; 03/21/00
Sex Sim for the Apple II. RIGHT FUCKING ON! Complete with that "one-purple-pixel/one-green-pixel
= one-white-pixel (use your imagination)" graphical quirk that any of us
who like grew up in an era where our NES system was more powerful than the school's
computers and fucking played Number Munchers for hours.
By: Zartan; 03/13/00
On a somewhat sad note, when kids think of "Tron" today, they think
of "Tron Bonne" from the Megaman Legends series. Not that's it's a
BAD thing, per se. I'd much rather peel Tron's metal codpiece off than Jeff
Daniels'.
By: Zartan; 03/13/00
Say what you will about the Super Mario Bros movie, I FUCKING LIKED IT. There
goes my "cred..." Wait... I had cred..?
By: Zartan; 03/03/00
D00D \/\/3 H4\/3 4 5|<3|\|3 |\|0\/\/? |<3\/\/L!!!1
By: Zartan; 03/03/00
Not even having Leila as a playable character could save this poor, miserable
wannabe from a lifetime spent in the dustiest corner of the arcade (or still
in its original box, had you wasted the money on it on the Genesis). Where the
hell are my cool assed hooded terrorists, dammit?
By: Zartan; 02/18/00
Back when this was written, Lago
was an unknown, untouchable internet goon. Now he's one of my best friends and
I collaborate on his web page. Oh how this Bastard Son has growed up... snif
sob... I'll be alright... Go ahead... Read the article...
By: Zartan; 02/18/00
Originally Space Invaders machines had cellophane inserts to give the game color.
Sega, five years later, does away with the cellophane completely!
By: Zartan; 02/13/00
For those of you keeping score at home, "Journey To The Center of Big Punisher"
is my favorite "Old School Zeroes" article. That is, of course, if
you give half a rat's ass...
By: Zartan; 02/13/00
More kind words from the male prostitute...
By: Zartan; 02/13/00
Tatio co-opted my life story in this game. They ripped me off, lock-stock-and-barrel,
except they changed my name to Ben Smith to avoid copyright litigation. Bastards
(bonus fact! Tome's hometown actually IS Carson City, and he hates your soul
because you can't pronounce his state's name correctly!)
By: Zartan; 02/06/00
God himself told me that he hates Wisdom Tree, and he has his full approval
and endorsement for Sofel's masterwork. And we wonder why I'm an Atheist...
By: Zartan; 02/02/00
I still haven't gotten MY Whisky IS a Food yet...
By: Zartan; 02/01/00
For those of you that don't get the joke: Winston is long of meat and thick
of girth with wideness in chest. WINSTON FOR XXX ACTING! (apparently, he was
also a "dancing buisnessman" in an episode of Power Rangers and a
"fucking reject nobody" in Austin Powers 3, thus earining him a seat
in the "prestigous" Screen Actors' Guild...)
By: Zartan; 01/30/00
Go Go Ackman was better...
By: Zartan; 01/30/00
Joe Don (God) Baker vs Windows 95. TWO MAN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVE
By: Zartan; 01/27/00
SUBTLE JAPANESE SATIRE. Be afraid, filled with terror... SPECIAL GUEST STARS:
Micheal Jackson (once again) and Bill Cosby.
By: Zartan; 01/25/00
WHAT? YOU MEAN MY MONKEY DONKEY MACHINE IS A BOOTLEG?!? I feel so tainted...
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
All wrestling games suck, despite what Zartan has to say about Exciting Hour
Mat Mania Exiting Hour.
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
If anyone disagrees that this isn't the best ROM hack ever made, they're either
LIARS or FUCKING IDIOTS (I'm looking straight at you I-Mockery)
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
From the darkest corners of the arcade, the most dingy, sour-smelling dank bars
and casinoes, we find these, the weirdest games you've never played...
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
See Jenna, this is what happens when you take candy from strangers. You get
kidnapped, hauled off to Hong Kong and forced to be a Strip Fighter. Tell your
sister to stay away from the whisky, while you're at it, huh?
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
Photoboy: Setting the bar for such acts of video brutality and mysogony as SNK
Gals Fighter and Barbie Super Model repsecivley. SPECIAL GUEST STARS: Micheal
Jackson, Frito Bandito and the Crossdressing Cop!
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
Taking a terrifying look into the world of poop-related games for the much-maligned
TG16. Seriously Japan? Why?
By: Zartan; 01/03/99
