Zartan's back. He's a goddamned Machine he is. You know the story:
Koei makes horrible historical-simulation game, Jaded Journalist
writes long-winded rambling article about it. Good times had by
all.
By: Zartan
01/13/03
Monkey Donkey takes us on a drunken, rambling, descent into the
hell that is Video Game Yaoi Slash Comic Hell. Yeah, this should
be on EA,
but this was originally written for us. TAKE THAT, LAGO!
By: Monkey Donkey; 11/22/02
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can
pay it; It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth
of America: Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about
five years he's going to stumble across Doom... and when that happens...
God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy
Masturbatory
Links. Go Forth
And Be Excellent
To Each Other.
Classic
Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/30/00
Go! Go!
TANK: You're just not good enough
I have to admit, I was intrigued by this game when it first came out. The
Game Boy's library had not yet hit the 5 billion mark, and I noticed, if not
played, every game that was released. I mean, with a name like Go! Go!
TANK, you know from the very start you're getting into something weird.
Something alien. Something... substandard. The way I see it, if a company
can't be bothered to do a little advance market research, they deserve to
pour their money into ill-advised money-gobbling ventures. At some point in
the gestation of Go! Go! TANK (damn, I love typing that out), some
genius must have said: "Nah, it's all right. Just port that fucking game
and translate everything literally. Kids won't even notice the difference."
And I guess some didn't: someone had to buy the game, somewhere along the
line, because it got dumped and now it's in my hot little hands. But the smart
money was, and always is, on avoiding games with titles like a schizophrenic's
word salad. There are, of course, exceptions, especially with the line between
Japanese and Western pop culture more blurred than ever, but I'm not going
to take the time to think of them. Let's think about the buffet of pain that
is Go! Go! TANK.
It's another one of those games that defies easy pigeonholing. It's sort of
an action game, but most of the "action" in fact requires that quick-thinking
puzzle reflex. Amazingly, you're not actually the TANK in question; you're
a little airplane with a hook attached to your belly. You fly around, grab
blocks with your hook, and build steps and remove obstacles so that Go! Go!
TANK can get to the end of the level. The TANK can go up steps half as tall
as he; anything else he runs smack into, takes some damage, and turns around.
Fair enough, I guess. You also defend the TANK from enemies with your own
little pea shooter. So far, not bad. In fact, pretty innovative.
Then it falls right to shit. One hit on the plane -- that's merely brushing
the ground, an enemy, or a bullet -- and you're dead. The hook you're meant
to catch blocks with is teeny-tiny, maybe 3 pixels. The contact point on the
blocks is equally small. But even this would be all right, even considered
"challenging" by people that thought Daedalian Opus was a
barrel of fun, were it not for the fact that your little plane handles terribly.
You'd have better, tighter control rolling a dead elephant down a ski slope.
Terribly aggravating. I wanted to like this game, if only for the opportunity
to frequently use the title in conversation. And even worse is this game is
obviously aimed at kids. Kids, man. The plane and tank look like they were
built by Fisher-Price. Is this meant to be a pleasant diversion after hours
of cram school? Ye gods.
Anyway, in the interest of fairness, I've decided to do a "compare/contrast"
exercise so that you, the ROM downloader, can make the final decision.
Go! Go! TANK vs. World War II: YOU make the call
World War II: Hundreds of thousands of people killed horribly Go! Go! TANK: Go! Go! TANK disappears in a puff of smoke
World War II: Fought on many fronts all over the world,
requiring varied strategies Go! Go! TANK: Fought on the Nintendo Game Boy, requiring one strategy
-- "squint"
World War II: "World War" brings to mind images
of violence, inhumanity, and suffering Go! Go! TANK: "Go Go" brings to mind foxy 60's chicks
in stylish primary colors and action-packed poses
World War II: The Flying Tigers painted menacing scowls
on their fighter planes Go! Go! TANK: features a smiling plane as seen in many low-budget
children's shows
World War II: was, in part, a war of attrition, and resources
were carefully conserved Go! Go! TANK: just cheerfully blasts away to absolutely no effect
any time the mood strikes him
World War II: fought exclusively in black and white Go! Go! TANK: fought exclusively in black and white
World War II: M4 Sherman tank considered one of the most
formidable tanks ever built Go! Go! TANK: takes considerable damage from running into walls
at low speeds
Information on World War II: widely available Go! Go! TANK ROM image: nearly impossible to find
