Zartan's back. He's a goddamned Machine he is. You know the story:
Koei makes horrible historical-simulation game, Jaded Journalist
writes long-winded rambling article about it. Good times had by
all.
By: Zartan
01/13/03
Monkey Donkey takes us on a drunken, rambling, descent into the
hell that is Video Game Yaoi Slash Comic Hell. Yeah, this should
be on EA,
but this was originally written for us. TAKE THAT, LAGO!
By: Monkey Donkey; 11/22/02
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can
pay it; It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth
of America: Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about
five years he's going to stumble across Doom... and when that happens...
God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy
Masturbatory
Links. Go Forth
And Be Excellent
To Each Other.
Classic
Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 5/31/00
"Hello, I'm a boss. When I'm not busy throwing hastily-wadded
balls of god only knows what at your pals Kato and Ken, I'm eagerly scouring
the "Adult Personals" on the Internet. One look at me will tell
you that I'm not a picky guy -- I can't really afford to be, you know. My
conversational skills are almost entirely limited to vaguely repellent anecdotes
about my adolescence (ask me sometime why they called me "the Ear"!)
and I've got fortified wine, a lonely, lonely anthropologist, and a cock-tease
little capuchin monkey to blame for my grand-prize good looks. But some
people, believe it or not, are beneath even an oversized sewer-dwelling
malcontent like myself.
"And what better way to reach out, make new friends, and try to puzzle
out this zany roller-coaster ride called 'life' better than to make fun
of perverse, homely strangers? As a former member of M.C. Hammer's touring
entourage, I can safely tell you that there just isn't one. But enough about
me; here's a fun little Zeroes Unlimited feature that I like to call..."
Snowball's
Chance in Hell:
Dateless and Doomed in Australia
1. "THIS BUTTS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!"
36 years old, 5’ 8” tall
Straight Male Seeking Straight Female
Relationship: Get Serious
Body Type: Average
Weight: 150 lbs.
Employment: Self-Employed
Education: Some College
His description:
THIS COULD BE YOURS LADIES IF YOU WANT IT. IM LONELY NO ONE LOVES ME GUESS
IM TOO UGLY IM LOOKING FOR A LADY BETWEEN 23-30 TO LOVE ME. WHAT DO YOU
SAY???Im in America, send me your photo. No married WOMEN No Gays OR TRANSVESTITES
OR SHE MALES. NO NO NO NO !!!!!
Um.... I realize we're getting off to a bad start
here, but I thought it'd be best to just throw you right in at the deep
end. I was looking at the Australian personal ads, and yet the first
one that comes up is "THIS BUTTS FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!", a man so
ugly, so hopeless, so goddamned abrasive that he's actually advertising
half a fucking planet away to find himself a piece of tail.
That "THIS COULD BE YOURS" makes me want to add "...if the
Price is Right!" every damned time I look it at. (Which reminds me,
"Rod Roddy" would be an excellent name for a male porn star.)
Strange that after all that self-flagellation he goes on to be extremely
picky, wanting someone 6 to 12 years younger than himself. I mean, sure
-- everyone wants a shot at a 23-year-old female, but only this powerhouse
has the butt and the "Hulk get strong" grimace to pull it off.
2. "anything go's"
25 years old, 5’ 6” tall
Straight Male Seeking Straight Female
Relationship: Something Else
Body Type: Average
Employment: Independently Wealthy
Drinks? Socially
His description:
I'm a flight attendant, always travaling all over the world, very keen in
meeting new people for a good time and to exchange, "well I leave the rest
to you". contact me if you dare, their's no harm in starting with a conversation.
Contact him if you dare! I have to admit, I'm
more than a little intimidated by an independently wealthy flight attendant,
but then again, I'm not a straight female. Maybe most chicks eat that sort
of thing up.
He shows a bit of sophistication and charm right off the bat, playing that
popular courting game "Guess That Quote" with potential suitors.
Anyone who knows who actually said "well I leave the rest to you"
would probably stand a good chance with Mr. "anything go's" here.
He decided not to tell us his weight, but puts a modest "average"
as his body type. Yeah, okay. And check out all that booze on the table
-- are you buying that he's just a social drinker? Me neither -- I suspect
he also feels that "their's no harm" in cracking open a third
or fourth bottle of tequila, and when he says "anything go's"
he's referring to the contents of his toilet come morning.
3. "Hi sexy ladies"
26 years old, 5’ 6” tall
Straight Male Seeking Straight Female
Relationship: Fool Around
My Fetishes: Legs
My Orientation: Swinger
His description:
Looking to meet horny lady for daytime dalliance
Well, that speaks volumes, now doesn't it?
I'd like to say straight away that this picture is unedited -- exactly
as I found it on the site. Yes, Prince Charming here has chosen to put
his best foot forward and show us that old black and white photo of himself
some neighbor took during that one party he threw after he got his above-ground
pool. Standing around like a zombie with bare feet, his face blurred out,
and a prominent erection beneath his pants, he's sure to make a lovely
addition to any minivan backseat or motel room bed. Get him while he's
hot, ladies!
He's not the only one guilty of it by a longshot, but I'm picking on him
anyway: I like how he specifies that he's looking for a horny lady.
I don't think that's particularly fair; after all, there are many sexually
dead women out there he could have a blast with, and the possibilities
for dates are endless: picking at plates of french fries, listlessly checking
watches throughout a drive-in movie, complaining about "fungus"
at the shoe rental counter of Bruce's Ten-Pin Classic... who needs horny
when there's so much free-floating ennui?
4. "see my cum!!!!!!!!!!!"
32 years old, 5’ 8” tall
Straight Male Seeking Straight Female
Relationship: Fool Around
Body Type: Thin
Weight: 130 lbs.
Hair Color: Black
Ethnicity: Indian
Education: Still a student
My Fetishes: Hands
His description:
Hi, You are the woman i am looking for. I would love to chat and then meet
you for hot erotic times. Get back to me soon so the fun can begin and if
you are ready for more.This is just a prelude to great times. bye This is
a copy of my profile: I'm a 32 y.o. single male very clean, drug and disease
free, who is seeking a discrete, no-strings sexual encounter with a woman.
I need to spice up my sex-life. If you want a to meet a man who knows how
to satisfy you and pay attention to your needs, please contact me. In a
personal relationship, I think the most important attributes of a woman
are that she's feminine, honest, fun, warm and affectionate. If that fits
you, then you should tell me more about yourself Ciao :-)
God damn, what a loser. He also posted this exact
same message under the name "am I the one for you!!!!!!!" with, rather than
a picture of two totally unrelated individuals engaging in oral sex, a photo
of his own sad little penis. I omitted the book-length pornographic first-person
escapade of his at the beginning of the message, and you should thank me
for it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- 32-year-old virgins
just can't write good erotica. He may, however, be the only person in the
history of the adult personals to list his fetish as "Hands".
Just think, people like you and I have to pay to have our deviant little
needs catered to, and all this twisto has to do is flick on the home shopping
channel.
5. "**** Naked World Tour ***"
35 years old, 6’ 0” tall
Straight Male Seeking Bi Female
Relationship: Something Else
Body Type: Athletic
Weight: 218 lbs.
Employment: Self-Employed
Education: College Degree
My Orientation: Swinger
His description:
Hello World! I am an International Your Guide, in 110 countries. Seeking
Like Minded Adults that are bright, open-minded, genuine, and REAL. I have
been to swing clubs in 20 countries and made many friends couples and singles
in them all, MOST interested in newcomers, real people, fit and genuine
folks that enjoy making FRIENDS. Please be original, real, kind, and a good
person. LOVE helping firsttimers address the joy fear and excitement of
the curiosity of accomplishing new things swinging, nudism, exhibitionism,
voyeurism, and just plain participating in your own life. Ill be in Hong
Kong, China, Thailand, Australia, New Zealand and Fiji until August (and
NYC)! thank you! (photos accepted only if they are YOU)! CheekyDave!!
Well, that's it. I wish I'd thought to call myself
"CheekyDave"; now this guy's gone and built some kind of Naked
Swinging REAL International Yourism Cartel and he's gotta be way too famous
at this point for me to get away with swiping the name. No, really -- I
just can't get my head around the idea of going on a ****Naked World Tour***
with an International Your Guide who calls himself CheekyDave, advertises
on the internet, and has the prose style of a frat boy trying to cleverly
coax a 16-year-old cheerleader into pulling an all-night anal train.
And anyway, I don't think good ol' CheekyDave would want to be swinging
through Fiji at this point in time.
6. "CAN YOU TEACH ME"
18 years old, 5’ 6” tall
Straight Female Seeking Straight Female
Relationship: Fool Around
Body Type: Thin
Hair Color: Black
My Orientation: Swinger
Her description:
18 year old living in Perth needs a good teacher and happy man. I'd love
to meet you
You read it right: this straight female is seeking
another straight female. For what? Bridge? Recipe swapping? I mean, jeez,
everyone knows what it's like to be hard-up for friends, but going out and
actually advertising for them just seems a little desperate. She also says
she's looking for a "happy man". I have the feeling that no man
would be too happy after spending even five minutes with Kylie-Minogue-on-crack
here, unless maybe he was deaf. I can just imagine the kind of vapid insights
that come spilling forth from our teen swinger here.
And she's in my town. Yuck. It is really creepy to think that the
next time I ride the bus, I could accidentally end up sitting next to this
two-legged germ bomb. In case you're wondering: yes, most Australian women
do show an inordinate amount of gums when they grin. It's really,
really alarming -- as if the first settlers in Australia played strange
and immoral games with gene splicing, and now half the women down under
look like Mister Ed.
7. "Tell me a story"
25 years old, 5’ 10” tall
Straight Male Seeking Bi Female Relationship: Photo Exchange
Employment: Independently Wealthy Education: Graduate Degree
My Fetishes: Hands, Legs, Panties, Sex Toys, Tattoos
My Orientation: Bi-curious
His description:
I am a fun loving outdoor person, i am seeking a young girl 19-25, good
looking with no hang ups and knows what she wants ;-) to exchange photos
and sexy stories and have some fun. I love the outdoors and sport. If you
think you can say the right things then drop me som Mail ***
I've got a few things I need to straighten out for
Mr. "Tell me a story" here.
(1) No one thinks you're 25. You look like Jack Lemmon, for fuck's sake.
(2) Good looking girls with no hang ups, especially at that age, do not
want to trade erotic photos and stories with a crusty old mutant like yourself.
They are out having sex with anyone they damned well please, and this does
not -- repeat, does not -- include you.
(3) "Bi-curious" does not mean that you're curious about watching
bisexual girls make out. It means that you want a man to put his penis into
one of your many unwashed holes. You may well want to watch your phrasing,
genius.
8. "couple/for threesome"
39 years old, 5’ 10” tall
Straight Male Seeking Straight Couple
Relationship: Fool Around
Body Type:Athletic
His description:
i am looking for a couple who would like the company of another male, day
times only
Wow, he really spoils us with information here. I
love this clenched-fist, ready-for-action pose he's in. He's like a naked,
pasty action figure, ready to leap into... well, something at a moment's
notice! In the uncropped photo (for some reason, this hero decided to treat
us to a fucking enormous photo that was about one-sixth him and five-sixths
his bedroom, hallway, and bathroom) there was a shopping bag hanging up
in the background. Yes, really -- for some reason, this guy had an empty
plastic shopping bag hanging from the ceiling. Maybe it's a kid trap.
And he left his watch on. Ready for action. Oh, yeah.
Believe it or not, underneath that Monkey Donkey censorship box, there's
a tiny, flaccid penis making an appearance. You'd really think people would
want to look their best, so to speak. But no, not this guy, and in fact
he's so confident he's a winner that he posted the very same picture,
only looking for women "over 100 kg only". In real (read: "American")
measures that's really fucking huge. Oink.
9. "Asian lady for you"
25 years old, 5’ 3” tall
Straight Female Seeking Straight Male
Relationship: Fool Around
Ethnicity: Asian/Pacific Islander
My Orientation: Bi-curious, Swinger
Her description:
Would love to meet a great person from either here (Australia) or overseas!!
for exotic fun. Pls ask for more details - i have a personal web page as
well...
She felt the need to point out that she's an "Asian
lady for me" even though, in her picture, she's pretty obviously Samoan.
I mean, Jesus, she's fucking huge. I've got a pretty good eye for picking
out ethnicity, and no amount of clever photographic trickery or factsheet
fraud can pull the wool over my eyes. No, not even posing provocatively
next to the offices of the world-renowned Asian trading journal Daily
Yumcha (kinda like the Greensheet, only for rickshaws, soiled
panties, remaindered Kalashnikov assault rifles and telephone-book sized
compilations of tentacle porn) can fool me.
If there's one thing I really love, it's a good euphemism. She wants to
meet a straight male for "exotic fun". One thing I've learned
is that "exotic" always means "scary and bad". You know
what they sell at those "exotic pet stores"? Fucking scorpions
and pirahnas and snakes that are specially bred to have a fondness for infant
flesh, that's what. And you know those "exotic foreign women"
people are always raving about? Don't believe the hype -- they're either
spies or kickboxers or transsexuals, and anyway they just dump you after
they get their green card. And I'd bet our Samoan friend here is no different.
I imagine her personal web page is one of those brightly-colored, spastic
Caps-Lock affairs. I say "imagine" because I'm not about to get a fucking
Adult Personals account just to see yet another collection of links and
amateur cat photography.
10. "shemale escort in australia"
23 years old, 5’ 7” tall
Straight Female Seeking Bi Male + Bi Female
Relationship: Something Else
Ethnicity: European
Employment: Independently Wealthy
Has Children?: No
My Orientation: Transsexual
Its description:
stunning transexual available as escort in sydney area. endowed and active,
debut adult video and stills available shortly. email me for my full website
details! free xxx pics and more!
Half of the information this thing provides, I should
hope would be pretty obvious. You can tell just by looking that it's a transsexual,
and you'd hope to god that it doesn't have any kids. The whole "European"
ethnicity thing pretty much says flaming wanker to me; most of these people
just put "white" but actually putting "European" is
like coming right out and admitting a fondness to wine tastings and a knack
for interior decorating. See, there's "good European" and "bad
European". Good European is Stereolab and Swiss Army knives. Bad European
is IG Farben and the Eurovision song contest. This is definitely bad European.
And it's independently wealthy, eh? Okay, so you could have done the whole
Bruce Wayne thing and devoted your life and your independent fortune to
fighting crime on the mean streets of Sydney, but instead you decided to
add a gender to your resume and become an escort. Well, i dunno -- maybe
it's Super Escort, appearing to right wrongs and battle injustice. Whenever
someone calls an escort a "whore", it's there. Whenever someone expects
to get full service for the price of hand relief, it's there. Moneyed misogynists
of New South Wales, beware!
11. "Wanted :Generous Sugar Daddy"
45 years old, 5’ 6” tall
Straight Female Seeking Straight Male
Relationship: Fool Around
Body Type: Big & Tall/BBW
Employment: Self-Employed
Education: Graduate Degree
Marital Status: Married
Has Children?: Yes - living at home
Her description:
I seek a generous man who knows how to treat a woman - A woman who has always
wanted to be spoilt and pampered, but never found someone who can appreciate
me for the wonderful caring person that I am. I have been married for 18
years and have no intention of walking out on that relationship - but I
have needs that are just not being met - which include physical, emotional
and material. I dont see myself in terms of being a good looker - maybe
I should warn you that the ravages of time and gravity have been quite cruel
- but then shit happens. I am a big girl, wearing a size 18 dress, who likes
to take care of herself I am down to earth and unpretentious. Above all
else I seek a genuine friendship with a self assured and independant man.
Drop me a line and lets see where things go, regards Louisa
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You've always wanted to be
spoilt and pampered, eh? from the looks of things I'd say you never went
hungry, and beggars can't be choosers. What in god's name compels someone
like this -- the French schoolgirl hat combined with the dead fish face
is a nice touch, by the way -- to seek out a "generous sugar daddy"? Maybe
the children STILL LIVING AT HOME she's got have caused her some sort of
amorphous brain damage. No one, but no one, builds up vast quantities of
wealth with the explicit agenda of blowing it all on a forty-five year old
dwarf (and I say that in the AD&D, axe-swingin', mine-diggin' sense, not
the genetic one) -- no, not when there are hundreds of lithe, greedy young
girls dropping out of high school every day.)
Like almost every other sad fucker who puts up a personal ad, Louisa here
is self employed. Maybe some of them actually do run their own business,
rather than using "self employed" to mean "I make myself
get out of bed and put on my uniform and show up to my employment
the Craft Nook". I have a feeling that Louisa, armed with her graduate
degree and poor typing skills, is one of those truly free people who makes
a living haunting garage sales and then turning around and peddling the
Crap That Nobody Loved on eBay. Don't you? Maybe her description should
have said
****L@@@@@K HOT RARE OFFER MAKE MONEY HAVE SEX*****
then again, maybe not.
12. "ISO Muscular/Hung/Top"
42 years old, 5’ 11” tall
Gay Male Seeking Gay Male
Relationship: Get Serious
Body Type: Average
Employment: Self-Employed
Marital Status: Divorced
Has Children?: Yes - not living at home
My Fetishes: Piercings, Tattoos
His description:
Hi, I would really like to meet the man that fits my Idea of a great guy.
Muscular, hung and a great top man. (Just love the Big Moari/Islander look,
especially if they have Tattoos.) But then I'm a reallist most of the time,
so I'm asking any Nice guys who would Like a full body massage (with Oil)
who would like to hang out and enjoy spending some quality time having sexual
contact to contact me. Catch you soon.
This is just about the coolest guy in the world. Check
him out. He exudes confidence and charisma. Despite the fact that he looks
like Don Knotts after surviving an explosion in a crystal meth lab, he brazenly
tells us that his body type is "average". He even wears a form-fitting
muscle shirt to show off that average chassis of his. He's not afraid to
tell us what he wants -- he likes his full body massages with Oil, thank
you very much. And he caps the whole thing off with "Catch you soon".
Flippant, yet inviting. He doesn't care if you get in touch or not, but
he knows you will, because you just can't resist.
Or maybe not. Let's see, Don here is divorced and had kids living out of
home... I smell a the massive, shit-stained aftershocks of a mid-life crisis.
Now he's into big buttfucking guys with piercings and tattoos. Now that's
something I'd give up a week's wages to see -- some huge gay Maori with
about 1,000 piercings walking down the street hand-in-hand with Our Hero
here, complete with Insta-Tint glasses and fanny pack full of "essentials".
Good lord...
He's the I'm Sorry of Australia.
Please, people -- chain your cylinders at all times.
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