Zartan's back. He's a goddamned Machine he is. You know the story:
Koei makes horrible historical-simulation game, Jaded Journalist
writes long-winded rambling article about it. Good times had by
all.
By: Zartan
01/13/03
Monkey Donkey takes us on a drunken, rambling, descent into the
hell that is Video Game Yaoi Slash Comic Hell. Yeah, this should
be on EA,
but this was originally written for us. TAKE THAT, LAGO!
By: Monkey Donkey; 11/22/02
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can
pay it; It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth
of America: Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about
five years he's going to stumble across Doom... and when that happens...
God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy
Masturbatory
Links. Go Forth
And Be Excellent
To Each Other.
Classic
Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/25/00
Golems!
Sadomasochism! Tax evasion!
I'm
Sorry: What the hell is going on here? Nobody knows. No, really -- I don't think anybody can look
me in the eye, and with a straight face tell me that this game is supposed
to follow some sort of internal logic, even that weird parallel-dimension
logic that inexplicable Japanese imports seem to follow. And, of course,
when all logic has been abandoned, it could only mean one thing: we
are entering the hazy realm of Subtle Japanese Satire.
Here's my best guess. You play a fat little middle-aged Japanese guy
in a blue suit named I'm Sorry. His name must be I'm Sorry because
he doesn't show the slightest bit of remorse throughout the whole game;
even when he's being killed off in a uniquely I'm Sorry way, his expression
is more of pained annoyance than actual repent. But anyway. I'm Sorry
is one of a special breed: a corrupt politician. He runs around grinning
like a maniac and embezzling big gold bars from the government to fuel
his opulent I'm Sorry lifestyle. You know this type -- monuments to
oneself, tennis courts, koi ponds -- it's just a shame I couldn't live
long enough to get to the "No-Panty Hostess Bar" stage for
a chance to blow thousands of dollars in one night's alleged entertainment.
The Dreamcast was made for a sequel.
Okay, I'm Sorry is pursued by all sorts of weird people -- see below
for details -- and a big rolling barrel. This barrel obviously represents
the crushing implacable force of public opinion. Fortunately, just as
in real life, I'm Sorry can jump right over barrels and things. For
a fat man he's quite spry.
I told you he was a chubby little bastard. Anyway, he's got
this huge fist for slapping around those who would oppose his dynamic
social reform policies. No one can stand before I'm Sorry's Fists of Graft
except for Bill Cosby, but I'll get to that in a minute. That little bubble
over his head is how much dough you've got at the moment; see, in the fast-paced
world of I'm Sorry, it's not enough just to grab the money, you've got to
get it back to your palatial estate or something. I could give you a power
high score tip here, but I leave that limp-wristed sort of stuff for Ken
"The Big Player" Uston to write books about. According to my copy
of Mastering Pac-Man, they were gonna make a major motion picture
about his life. Pity that never happened. That two hours of watching some
loser count cards and suck down junk food we'll never have.
Yeah, it's the Taxman, or the Secret Service, or the Yakuza,
or Casey Kasem. Whoever he is, he's not about to let I'm Sorry get away
with stealing stacks of gold bullion and undermining the public's unshakeable
trust in their public servants. These are pretty ordinary enemies except
for the fact that when they catch I'm Sorry, they strip down to lingerie
and give I'm Sorry a great big diaper-clad whipping. Hell, maybe it's Lee
Kwan Yew. I knew that they Japanese had some forward thinking ideas about
crime and punishment, but this took me just a little by surprise. Oh, I
just thought I'd let you know now that this is the coolest thing you'll
ever see in a video game, period.
Just when I'm Sorry thought things couldn't get any worse,
Bill Cosby showed up in a blue Speedo, determined to bring our troll-faced
hero to justice. I'm Sorry has to hit Bill Cosby with his blazing Fists
of Graft somewhere around a million times, give or take, before he tumbles
off the screen, and god only knows why. Maybe there's something in those
Puddin' Pops. Anyway, once Cosby catches up with I'm Sorry he proceeds to
repeatedly slam his into the pavement. Again, this seems just a bit out
of character, but who are we to argue in the face of Subtle Japanese
Satire?
By the time you get to the fourth level or so, you're thinking
to yourself: the person who designed this game must be the biggest fucking
mutant that ever lived. And, as if they've reached through time and read
your tortured, spinning little mind, they present Michael Jackson (looking
a bit whiter since his last appearance in Photograph Boy) as an enemy.
"No," they say, attempting to repair something of the psychic
damage caused by playing this game for any length, "this is the biggest
fucking mutant that ever lived. But we appreciate the sentiment." And
then he flashes and his eyes bug out green as he rips out I'm Sorry's spine,
and the cycle of confusion begins again.
I just don't know. I played this game for quite a while and this was the
last unique enemy I came across. It could be Brian Boitano, or it could
be Flo Jo. This fucker not only runs fast, but leaps around as well, and
when you've got a screen full of leaping athletes and alien mutant pop
stars and corrupt politicians and drag queen G-men and exploding fire
hydrants -- no, really -- you've got your basic color wheel of
paranoid schizophrenia, right there. Speaking of paranoid schizophrenia,
I'm Sorry has a statue of himself in his swanky, recreation-rich backyard,
and it comes to life and chases him. See?
Level One. Pretty average, although you get to use I'm
Sorry's awesome fists to smash through gates. God only know what that
represents. Still, I've been saying for years that impassable moats add
a certain something to a game. That something is "walls".
Level Two. I'm Sorry's awesome, ultra-plush backyard,
paid for by your tax dollars. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that
he swings a fan in some levels. Note the menacing, heavy-jowled I'm Sorry
golem.
Level Three. This is Tokyo -- and the best part of all
is you smash into those black boxes and grab the gold inside. What an
irresponsible hooligan! It's no wonder he's captured the public's heart
and imagination. The rest of the levels are just variations on these three.
