Won't someone please acknowledge my Power Instinct erotic fan fiction?

As soon as I saw the word "Atlus", I knew I was in trouble. I seem to have developed a nose for this sort of thing -- kinda like Talking Spider-Man's "Spidey-Sense Tingling!", only (a) I say more than three things, none of which, unfortunately, are as clever as "THWIP" (b) instead of going off when people throw cars or livestock or planets at me, it goes off when a really stinky game is nearby (c) even intimating that is at all related to the world-famous Spidey-Sense® will get me sued into complete and total destitution, not that I've got all that far to fall, anyway, so never mind. Forget I brought it up. Still, something goes off in my head when I see certain familiar yet wholly unwelcome logos: American Sammy, HAL, Atlus, Hot-B, Hi Tech Expressions, COPYA System, Color Dreams... the rogue's gallery goes on and on. Admittedly, without fine folks like these, I wouldn't have a job, so my heart goes out to them. No, not really. But anyway. Power Instinct is one of those games that came out shortly after Street Fighter II shot its rancid, crusty wad all over the gaming industry, and for some reason -- perhaps Japan's forward-thinking "Proposition Go-Devil", which called for an immediate introduction of crack into municipal water supplies, perhaps the firm belief that gamers just didn't deserve any better, and wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway -- the market was flooded with games involving two people walking back and forth along an invisible line and beating seven colors of shit through each other. Capcom even sued Data East -- who made the mistake of churning out a great big turd called Fighter's History which, like all of their games since before anyone living was even a twinkle in their father's eye, has Karnov in it -- which was doomed to failure from the start and seems more than a little like the teacher singling you out for doodling in your margins while an unholy orgy of violence and sex and noise and clogged pores rages all around you... ahem. I think in Fighter's History you could knock off their hats or something, and that may have saved Data East's ass. Whew. Power Instinct is one of those games. It tries to walk on that razor-sharp line between serious and goofy and fails miserably. You just can't have it like that, especially if you're fucking Atlus, for god's sake. Nevertheless, I feel I must give Power Instinct my highest possible recommendation. And here's why:

*sniff, sniff* What's that I smell? Why, it's the kiss of death! Any game that had the mandatory, overlong credits screen was doomed. And surprise, it's from LJN -- another shitty company that cranked out shitty NES games. Remember Karate Kid? Jaws? Friday the 13th? T&C Surf Designs had to have been a fluke, because it rules. In this scene from Vegas Dream (NES). Joe Don Baker used what he'd learned from Fighter's History, knocked the hat off of the young swindler, and weakened him enough to go old-school Mitchell on his grubby ass.

Otane Goketuji, I love you.

According to, like, four billion TV commercials I saw last year, featuring Magical Empowered Geriatrics throwing frisbees and shooting rave kids with spear guns and having wild sex with sea lions in the dining car of the Orient Express, 1999 was the "International Year of the Older Person". Which would mean that this review, this meager shrine to the light of my life, is a little too late to cut the mustard. Sorry. Blame FaB for not telling me about Power Instinct sooner. This game may be the video game equivalent of that post-drinking binge turd you find floating in the toilet the following morning, nearly blind with shame and dried vomit, and you poke it around a little with the toilet brush to make sure there aren't any stray pieces of your colon in there you might need to cram back in or at least show to the doctor, but you've got to admire a company that has the brass to put a little old lady in among its big bad-ass fighters. Well, no, actually you don't. You don't have to admire Atlus for anything except not making any more games (as far as I know, and why wouldn't Power Instinct have bankrupted them? In a just universe, it would have) and besides, old people are feared in Oriental cultures. Like, I can't tell you how many kung-fu chop-socky movies I've seen where the ultra-cool, "I can kill scads of ninjas by simply twitching my thumb just so" hero is constantly being browbeaten and slapped around by his great-uncle or grandmother or whatever. In this one I saw, I think it was Ring of Fire, every single time Don "The Dragon" Wilson was about to lay down the mack on his girlfriend, out came Uncle Chen or whatever (and no, I'm not indulging in an immensely disgusting stereotype, although I think they're a hell of a lot of fun; there was this Mag-Jongg game on CD-ROM ages ago, and I saw an ad for it in some computer game magazine, and it said "Watch out for the wily Uncle Chen!". No shit. What did he do -- pin your hand to the table with a butterfly kinfe or something?) and that music, you know what I'm talking about, would play and the scene would abruptly end with Don "The Dragon" Wilson looked confused and humiliated. Which is probably because the director said "Okay, Don 'The Dragon' Wilson, in this scene, just think about your future career. Think about Virtual Combat." So there you go, method acting at its finest. But something sets this old person apart from your average elderly Oriental busybody. Well, for one thing, she's got a Power Instinct. I guess. And if I remember correctly, she's like the head of this clan of fighters who get together every now and then to pound thirty-one flavors of hell out of each other to decide who gets to be the new boss, and any wizened old matriarch who lays down that kind of law is all right by me. But no, the main thing is that she shoots her fucking teeth. And I don't mean some kind of stylish, visceral eXistenZ kind of tooth-shooting, I mean her whole set of choppers come zipping right out of there and, in a cartoonish ke-bang, knock you dead on your ass. Dhalsim, eat your goofy-ass swollen-eyeball baksheesh-beggin' heart out. You don't get cooler than that. And she also has a penchant for leaping on people and kissing them repeatedly. In short, this is a character devoted solely to making fun of the irritating habits and characteristics of the elderly. I don't have the manual, and I couldn't find a list of special moves on the Net, so I sat down and played Otane to death, and here are some of her other fabulous attacks: -Getting on the bus extra slowly, then stopping to chat about eliminatory functions with the driver. Opponent's damage is self-inflicted out of frustration and disgust. -Filling a Depend Undergarment with fetid urine and flinging it at the opponent. Extend this into a combo by summoning June Allyson to talk opponent to death about "feeling confident and free". -Demanding a discount from opponent, in spite of the fact that no goods and/or services are being exchanged. Damage comes from cerebral hemorrhage. -Corners opponent and tells long, irrelevant, amazingly racist story. True story: I was working at a bookstore, manning the dreary, soul-destroying "sidewalk sale". Some old guy in full veteran's regalia comes up, taps on the cash register I'm trying to use as a pillow, and says "When we were your age, we called this the Jewish Piano. Get it?" I smile and nod, hoping not to be stabbed with a letter opener. He smiles, glad that I've got the joke. And repeats: "The Jewish Piano." He taps the register again with his bony index finger (to emphasize the point, I assume) and wanders off. What a class act.

She flips through the air with the greatest of ease! She only looks like she's falling on her ass and getting ready to compose an angry letter to the editor about the state of modern sidewalks. This is brilliant. Atlus took every loser fanboy's wet dream -- to be leaped upon and molested by a fighting game chick -- and tainted it forever by making said chick about 90 years old. Serves you right, you losers. I found this picture doing a web search for "Uncle Chen" plus "photo". Not the wily Uncle Chen I was hoping for, but still inexplicably awesome. Actually, I tell a lie -- this is Cecil Cheng, who played "Uncle Chen" in some other production. Close enough. Look! She's shooting out her fucking teeth! And check out the size of those pearly whites compared to, say, her eyes. Huge. Weird. Creepy. Japanese kids must have nothing but nightmares. Everyone knows someone who actually laughs like this. It's not natural. They actually go "Ha COMMA ha COMMA ha PERIOD"; you hear every "ha" and the distinct pause between them. And the worst thing is that they're serious.

Or, "Otane With A Hot Crotch"

Are ya like me? Have you noticed that every bloody time you wander through that "Mystery / Suspense" section of your local two-a-penny video store, looking for a good mind-bending thriller and finding only Shannon Tweed in various states of undress (not that there's anything particularly wrong with that, except for the fact that she's like a hundred years old and the cocaine has not been kind to her, if you take my meaning), that every other movie's got the word "instinct" in it? Well, then, you're fucking weird. I haven't. The only people that check out the "Mystery / Suspense" section are fucking wankers anyway, since everyone knows that's shorthand for "softcore with a touch of legitimizing violence". Still, I couldn't help but wonder, upon downloading the Power Instinct ROM (which of course I went out and bought long before doing this review, I mean, far be it from me to deprive Atlus of their well-earned entertainment dollars, especially since a Power Instinct cartridge hasn't been produced in years) if Atlus knew just what they were doing, and used the word "instinct" to draw in gamers who (a) were susceptible to a little titillation in their video games -- read: everyone and (b) hadn't already bought Street Fighter II: Hyper Tournament Rainbow Sodomy Edition. So I did a little thinking. "I want another drink," said my brain, and who am I to argue? After my brain and I had gone through this a few times, it offered up this gem: what if Power Instinct had come first? What if all these cheap murder-tits movies were ripping off Atlus? What, indeed...

Killer Instinct (1994): Black Orchid (Angelina "overrated" Jolie) kills and fucks her way to the truth regarding the origins of her Scary Boobies™. The crescent moon-shaped mammaries are revealed to be part of a corrupt politician's re-election bid, and she kills him with a pair of dentures. With Robert Z'Dar as "that Indian guy"! Editor's Note: Not really a movie, but a weird, shitty, sign-of-the-times video game. Spawned "Killer Kuts" CD, grounds enough for it to be destroyed.	Those goofy, goofy boobies.
Evil Instinct (1997): Two people in Hong Kong on opposite sides of the law betray, swindle, and stomp fifty-seven varieties of tomato ketchup out of the general public. It turns out that everyone in Hong Kong is a direct descendant of Otane Goketuji, and must therefore be killed on general principle. With Robert Z'Dar as "Silo Commander #2"! Editor's Note: No information could actually be found on this movie; this does not, however, mean that this plot synopsis is actually wrong. Think about it.	Hi, I'm Chow Yun-Fat: Cool guy, charismatic hero, and credibility machine. Please don't associate me with Evil Instinct. Or Marky Mark. The Corruptor was a mistake. Thanks for listening. I might not kill you.
Naked Instinct (1993): An old woman (Shannon Tweed) reveals her passion for beating young men six ways from Sunday. Hijinks ensue when (a) her therapist is revealed to be young enough to be her grandson and (b) when he asks her to hold up the heavens for "just one moment", so he can "settle the weight better". With Robert Z'Dar as "Hot Tub Repairman"! Editor's Note: This movie was found on the IMDb, and may actually be a porn flick. Which is not to say, of course, that porn movies haven't been made about video games.	Shannon Tweed's not getting any younger, people. Will someone please pass this message along for me?
Basic Instinct (1992): Former video game designer and Combatribe leader Karnov is found stabbed to death in his bed. Alcoholic detective Monkey Donkey (Robert Z'Dar) is assigned to the case. The prime suspect? Novelist and geriatric vixen Otane Goketuji (Sharon Stone's alleged pubic hair), who proceeds to beat seven planes of hell out of him. With David Lloyd as "Gus"! Editor's Note: This movie may have been, in real life, based on a video game premise. Unattractive, aging man gets to fuck young, oversexed, attractive woman. Never mind Otane Goketuji, this is goofy enough as it is.	Sharon Stone's ass. Really, it's nothing special. Jeez, people, get a grip -- on this basis you made her one of Hollywood's highest paid actresses?.
A Mother's Instinct (1996): An abandoned, empowered, headstrong woman decides to find out the truth about her half-sons. Along the way, she discovers that they are actually part of her ages-old ninja combat clan, and beats twelve days of Christmas out of them in an attempt to wrest control from her abusive husband. With Robert Z'Dar as "Big-Ass Chin Face"! Editor's Note: No one actually saw this movie, as it was made for and aired exclusively on the Lifetime Network, which has been solely funded and viewed by aliens from the planet Estros.	You go, girl! I'm Oprah Winfrey, and I just bought Zeroes Unlimited in case there was anyone out there who hadn't been exposed to my wonderful, empowering message; that is, I am God, eat what you want, and all men are slime. Menstruate with pride! Being molested makes you special! Join me!

Yeah, all right, AARZAK, I finally got around to updating. Please don't explode me.