Licensed by Bryan

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/3/99

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Mega Crap. What a ROM hack.

In this wildly homoerotic ROM hack by a lad named "Bryan", we are treated to a spirited and unpredictable reworking of... Oh, screw it. This game sucks. It's a rework of one of the many, many Mega Man games for the NES, which got really fucking tired after the second one. Really. They outdid themselves with the cool cartoonish giant robots in Mega Man 2 (i.e. the dragon and that big dog) and everything after that was just anti-climax. Besides, no enemy could ever hope to be as cool as "Guts Man". His level was more annoying than a room full of Ricki Lake fans.
This ROM hack takes us nowhere we haven't been before -- it seems that almost all ROM hacks of NES games are just meditations on the penis and the ass, and the various functions of those body parts. Witness Dick Dug, Super Butt Bros., Nakio, Nude Punch-Out, River City Nudists, Super Sperm Bros., and so on down the line. I'm sure I don't have to point out what this says about the people that hack ROMs all day. Really, I don't. (In the interest of fairness, I should point out that some ROM hacks do involve naked women as well. However, these women are always [a] butt-ass ugly and [b] portrayed, if only in the readme file, as lesbians, and we all know what this sort of imagery is indicative of.)
And so, in tribute to this lack of imagination, and in tribute to the state of denial these teenaged emulation d00ds live in, I present Mega Crap, my favorite of the gay ROM hacks. Why this one, out of so many great choices? Admittedly, it came down to either this or Nude Punch-Out, but at the end of the day, only Mega Crap shows the thorough sort of laziness and bizarre sense of necessity that I've come to enshrine on these pages. Plus, it's got the best name ever. I'm only amazed that a legitimate games company didn't seize on the name "Mega Crap" before our Bryan did. Action Enterprises, where were you on this one?

Inexplicably proud to be the only Mega Crap worship page on the Web.

	First, of course, comes the copyright screen. Right away, we see that nothing, but nothing, is safe from the quick mouse clicks and razor sharp wit of Bryan. Capcom becomes "Crapcom", and we are led to assume that in some weird parallel universe, "Crapcom" cranks out sequel after sequel of games based on poop and pee. Well, we can only hope, really. The first person to submit a suitably funny (and, need I remind you, scatological) idea as to what "BLM" might stand for in the zany, zany world of "Crapcom" will win a valuable prize. And there's no sense in pointing out that those are probably Bryan's initials. I've already spent hours pouring over this mystery, thank you. Boy, it's a good thing that this game is licensed by Bryan. I can count on quality now -- with those other games, you don't know what you're getting.
	Oh ho! "Crapcom shoves-it!" I have to admit, I wasn't expecting this. His attempt to actually amend and, to some extent, replicate the original logo is the most spirited attempt at graphics editing you'll see in Mega Crap. I imagine after this screen, he said "Shit. This is hard," and decided to cut corners, which gives the game a certain special swap meet ambience.
	At last, we come to a bit of plot. It seems that "a vicious army of Gaybos" is bent on destroying my dick. Well, we can't have that. Can you imagine the sheer terror here? Suspend your disbelief for a moment, and imagine someone bursting in through your front door, grabbing you by the shoulders, and screaming into your face: "A VICIOUS ARMY OF GAYBOS IS BENT ON DESTROYING YOUR DICK!!" Chilling. In one fell, effortless swoop, Bryan has managed to encapsulate the very best aspects of Freudian psycho-terror. One can only wonder what was going through his head when he came up with the word "Gaybo". Sounds Cajun to me.
	Nothing much to say here, except that my delight in his gratutitous use of profanity is only multiplied by the fact that he thinks "bullshit" should actually be two words. Perhaps Bryan will, one day, teach English somewhere. I hear that's a popular profession for closet cases.
	Well, it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. That's the swishiest scarf I've ever seen. It certainly wasn't Super Macho Man. (Then again, Super Macho Man was pretty fruity...) "Homoman" has a great ring to it, especially with that question mark there at the end. Top job, Bryan.
	And now, the title screen. Mega Crap in full bloom. Notice that he didn't bother to make the effort he made with the Crapcom logo, and thus this falls squarely into our magical Moon Rangor box. I have to wonder -- this really, really bothers me -- why "Mega Crap"? Why not "Mega Fag" or "Mega Homo" or "Mega Gay" or any other, more appropriate name change? This is the first and last appearance of "crap" in this game (which is a damned shame, actually, since I'm a sucker for turd-based entertainment) unless you count the entire game itself, which is indeed an enormous loaf of crap. "Ass Turd" I get. But what the hell is the idea behind "Ress Start"? The only explanation I can think of is related to the first grade joke: "Where's the P? -- It's running down my leg." But something tells me that sort of pun is well beyond Bryan's faculties.

Download Mega Crap. or... Return to the main crap.