Sorry Pal! You can't carry any more worthless greater American dollars!

Back in 1994 I visited to a place known then as the "Price Club." This in itself is insignifigant, as I would go there quite often. But anyway, this time something caught my eye. No, not scissors, but a seemingly innocent CD-ROM. It wasn't even in proper packaging. It was all alone in it's case, lying on one of those boxes that no one bothered to put away which always seem to turn up in those bulk stores. "Super Games Galore," it was called. "Over 1500 games." This was too good to be true, especially at the 12.99 price tag it carried. How naive I was, having only first acquired a computer several months earlier. Among the outdated shareware games I found on the disc were many obscure software companies in general and one obscure software company in particular. This obscure software company was Moraffware. The story you are about to read is probably true. Any innacuracies that are to be found are most likely there on account of my laziness, or maybe they just seemed funny at the time. I now present to you Moraffware's masterpiece:

Dungeons of the Unforgiven,
quite possibly the eleventh best MS-DOS game ever made.

The first thing you are confronted with is a screen asking you to choose your video mode. Not wanting to risk losing any potential buyers, this game accepts various video modes ranging from 4 colour CGA at 320X200 pixels to 256 colour Super VGA at 1024X768 pixels. The major drawback to the latter option is that a video adapter chipset must be specified from a provided list, most of which haven't been in use since 1993. Not that I did any research, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was correct.

Above, you can see how the game appears in three different video modes. "But wait, Zartan!," you say. "Those aren't from the same part of the game! How do I know you didn't doctor these up?" First of all, if you had been paying attention, you would know that I'm not Zartan. (No, Zartan's comments look like this.) Second, you're a moron. What you're actually seeing is Moraffware's response to animation becoming mainstream and therefore expected. Every monster in the game does this, so you'd better get used to it fast. Fortunately, unlike some games such as Lufia or Mega Man 2 where you can't help but notice and be annoyed by it, it seems almost welcome in this instance.

Such is the power of Moraff.

By pressing left and right at the same time, you can cause some of the less assymetrical monsters to look like they're dancing. It's fun, in a really sad, pathetic sort of way.

(Roneldo forgot to add the great promotional copy for Dungeons of the Unforgiven:

HOTTEST SVGA EVER!! SUPERB 3D IMAGING!! Moraff's Dungeons of the Unforgiven, Module I, updated 7/23/93: NOW WITH 3D imaging on the walls and SUPER-VGA GRAPHICS! This stunning dungeons and monsters game contains 25 levels of the most realistic 3D imaging ever seen in a computer game! Battle monsters ranging from groups of flying creatures to groups of female warriors, to water creatures who inhabit flooded sections of the dungeon! Flee from monsters that drift down the 3D corridors in boats! This masterpiece contains over 100 different spells, gobs of magic items, and much more. Unforgiven puts commercial computer games to shame! A little snake provides built-in intelligent help that is second to none! The little snake realizes when you are confused and makes suggestions appropriately. All commands are one-key (or one button), no typing of words or sentences. Supports Hercules, CGA, EGA, low-res VGA, high-res VGA, Super-VGA (800x600 or 1024x768-in 16 or 256 colors), plus most Windows acceleraters!

Just fucking fabulous, really. Makes me wonder why anyone ever makes computer games anymore.)

Below, a rundown of a few of the fearsome, flipping foes you will face. Feh. First is the description provided by the game, followed by our expert's own in-depth analysis.

Quick and agile. Yes, this sort of redundancy is Moraff's way of intimidating you. They try to make you think that, perhaps, there is some minor difference between the two that would warrant the listing of both. Speed is most likely an important factor for these ferocious women, as it's quite hard to take your opponent seriously when they don't even understand how to properly wield their weaponry. One can only ponder the implications of the word "lesdidian."

More of the famous Moraff redundancy. Strong, as well as powerful. And of course worst, worst of all, as has been said, it has already died in some way, which logically implies that it could not possibly be killed a second time. One might assume that would make it a zombie, but zombies are not widely known for being intelligent, are they? It's far from my worst nightmare, though. I reckon that would involve a lot more running in place. I reckon.

As is obvious from the provided description, not even the game's creator has a definite idea of what the hell this creature actually is. I can understand the confusion. Note the straps, which appear to indicate that the wings are not at all natural. But without the wings, it would have only two arms and would hence be rendered immobile. This just goes to prove that even a top selling internationally known software company such as Moraffware does not discriminate against the handicapped.

Another one that makes you think. Who doesn't like me? The people in the boat or the birds? And what reason could either party have for hating me? How did the birds get into the dungeon, and how could they be living there, if there is nothing for them to land on? How are the birds even relevant at all? Hey, how did the boat get down there? Are there trees in hell? Dungeons of the Unforgiven: The thinking person's game.

Unnecessary horizontal flipping and strange video modes aside, the graphics in Module 1 are quite good, at least in comparison to some of the other stuff released in 1993. Like... well I don't know, but they aren't too bad, especially when you consider that only about 64 colours are available to the game at any given time because the not quite nauseating, yet still sufficiently sickening "rainbow" highlighting takes up about 160 spaces on the colour palette, 16 are standard VGA colours, and another 16 appear to be unused.

The later modules (if you haven't already figured it out, "module" is the word Moraffware uses in place of "episode") are a bit of a let down, as all of the dungeons look exactly the same, the Moraff people just rearranged the wall graphics to be displayed with each of the game's four almost distinct colour palettes. The effect is not totally horrible, but I sort of expected more.

Another sign of Moraff's cheapness is found in the expanded modules' monsters, because most of them are ripped straight out of the game's very similar predecessor, Moraff's World, especially cheap, because those were made originally in 16 colours, and no effort was made to "update" them. The only real difference is that Moraff's World didn't spontaneously reverse the graphics. Fun fun.

But why dwell on the negative? (Because this is Zeroes Unlimited, not Charles Nelson Reilly. Plus it's like a thousand times easier.) There is plenty to be thankful for in Dungeons of the Unforgiven. Cheating is very easy, once you figure out how.

The gameplay is pretty straight forward. Gee, how many times have you heard THAT one? You walk around, fight stuff, walk around some more, immediatly followed by more fighting. That's basically the game.

There is no treasure to be found lying on the ground or "hidden" inside of an unlocked inconspicuous red and yellow box. Any and all treasure must be obtained through the slaying of monsters, all of which have nearly identical characteristics. The greatest of the treasures are carried by the shadow monsters, identifiable by their mysteriously transparent areas.

On the whole, the game is not very hard, but at the beginning it seems SPAMmed near impossible, even with the continued encouragement of a "little snake," who will reward you with kind, generous compliments from time to time.

You will constantly be confronted by the likes of level drainers, garbage cans and holes in the floor ("chutes"), making early survival very difficult, especially since you are only given one "life." The game saves as you play it, and will delete your character if you die (this Shareware version may offer to revive your character, but only after you register the game). As Moraff explains it:

"The only protection against these dangers is to stay in the living room and watch TV instead of venturing out into the unknown in search of fortune and adventure."

Well put, my friend, well put. But there is one possible solution. You could always cheat.

(Zsa-Zsa. Fabio. Popeil. Snoopy. And now, Moraff. Gods among men so amazing they need but one name. Your quick and E-Z guide to credibility: preface your weakest argument with "well, as Moraff likes to say" and watch your opponents wither.)

As far as a plot or storyline goes, there is none(1), which is probably a good thing, because I dread to think of what sort of absurd goals would be dreamed up by someone who's already decided walking, rainbow garbage cans are to be my mortal enemies.

Yes, garbage cans.

These things are everywhere, and they can take anywhere from 3 to 15 times as many hits to destroy as anything else, with the possible exception of the giant balls, but I shall focus on the garbage cans because the giant balls aren't nearly as disturbing. (2) These hordes of mutated, brightly coloured, boot wearing garbage cans want to kill you. Perhaps they are angry because of the awful paint job they have been afflicted with, that they are helpless to remedy because they have no arms?

Moraff does not give any reason for including them in the game, contributing only the comment "what an annoying monster." (3) No explanation is provided for the aforementioned rainbow colouration, or the legs, for that matter. And how does it plan to attack me, if it has no arms? I doubt it would be at all capable of kicking me, without falling down and spilling its valuable garbage.

(1)Zartan's theory on the storyline of Dungeons of the Unforgiven: mild-mannered anti-social twat hears "you play those games so much; don't you think you could find a way to make a living from them?" one too many times from his overbearing mother, and subsequently drops his given name and begins releasing allegedly state-of-the-art stinkbombs on impulse control-impaired computer gamers all over the world, thanks to a hideous meme calling itself "the shareware concept". Your job? Stop him before he makes a fighting game.

(2)Anyone who's ever been exposed to more than their fair share of those "ate my balls" pages would really have to disagree at this point. I got an e-mail from someone asking that I link to their "awesome webpage" that was "my style of humor" -- yes, you guessed it, sports fans, it was called "Xena: Warrior Princess Ate My Balls". The worst thing about those pages is the depiction of the balls themselves: it's as if Xena, Vanilla Ice, et al are eating the sawed-off tops of balding men's heads. Yuck.

(3)Those rainbow-colored trash cans look a hell of a lot like the big rotating shield that protects the delicious, sugar-frosted "MPC Cone" in the arcade version of Tron. The proposition of being de-rezzed by a trash can wearing rave-kid pants and Rumplestiltskin boots would strike even the most casual of gamers as annoying. Moraff's terse, impersonal, yet deadly accurate pen strikes again.

The famous "garbage can," or as it is known in this particular Moraffware game, "giant garbage can." It has made appearances in four that I know of. Despite what the game will tell you, killing these is the most common task in the game. Aren't you lucky!

Much like the giant garbage can, the "can of toxic waste" has sprouted legs. But a stunning further evolution has blessed it with arms as well. The logical next step would most likely be a head, but I'm probably just optimistic.

This, ahhh... well what can I say? It's a bomb. You don't think Moraff's a tad bit paranoid about pollution, do you? These, as well as a host of others, including the toxic waste canister, can poison you or inflict upon you a mysterious, unnamed "disease" if they manage to hit you.

Okay, I swear I did not make this up. I couldn't if I tried. Alright, maybe if I tried really hard I could, but that's not the point. Huh. These "druggies" come in poisonous and "diseased" varieties, just like the other two that I said did that. Assuming you didn't already gather that from those seemingly innocent looking syringes.

All in all, I liked it. Enough to actually pay for it, so I could play the full version. Registration might not be such a bad idea, because along with Dungeons of the Unforgiven, you'll get full versions of every other DOS MoraffWare game as well. True, most of them are available in newer, prettier Windows versions all on a single CD-ROM, probably with even more psychotic rainbows, but MoraffWare has since severed public all ties to their dungeon games, meaning there won't be a Windows release, and they're all a bit too obscure for WaReZ SiTeZ. And the DOS games load much faster, anyway.

So there.

Download Moraff's World

Download Dungeons of the Unforgiven

(ed. note: Both these .zip files have been lost to the ages. I will try doubly hard to find them in some unspecified moment in the future --Tome)

E-mail the author

MoraffWare founder Steve Moraff, right, at his weekly "dirty old perverted mime" class, just moments before being mauled, savagely beaten, and later inhaled by three time Olympic champion bicycle thief Donna Trujillo. (If only I had some idea what this was supposed to mean...)

Yeah, really. Could someone please explain that one to me?
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