Zartan's back. He's a goddamned Machine he is. You know the story:
Koei makes horrible historical-simulation game, Jaded Journalist
writes long-winded rambling article about it. Good times had by
all.
By: Zartan
01/13/03
Monkey Donkey takes us on a drunken, rambling, descent into the
hell that is Video Game Yaoi Slash Comic Hell. Yeah, this should
be on EA,
but this was originally written for us. TAKE THAT, LAGO!
By: Monkey Donkey; 11/22/02
It's all about the game, and how you play it; All about control,
and if you can take it; It's all about your debt, and if you can
pay it; It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it
By: Tome; 10/26/02
The CAPalert guy takes on the latest scourge to defile The Youth
of America: Those Dirty, Sinful Video Games. At this rate, in about
five years he's going to stumble across Doom... and when that happens...
God have mercy on our souls....
By: Tome The CAPalert Guy
Masturbatory
Links. Go Forth
And Be Excellent
To Each Other.
Classic
Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 3/03/00
Video game movies always suck. We know this
as a species. And yet we keep on crankin' 'em out anyway. The only good
movie that even brushed against video games was WarGames, and I
attribute a big part of that to the awesome, tragically underrated Dabney
Coleman. Remember when you saw Mortal Kombat in theatres, and Liu
Kang did that bicycle kick on Reptile, and he didn't do that fabulously
weird "hiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyaaaah!!!"...? Talk about a letdown.
It didn't matter, though; everyone in the theatre, myself included, did
it for him. This, however, is just the sort of failure I'm talking about.
Video games aren't movies because they're video games. Get it?
Disco #1
The title screen to Disco #1, starring Kate Winslet (above) as
"Sugar Bear".
Puffy knows: every audience likes to be called "the greatest".
Throw in a convenient cast o' characters and you've got box-office gold.
Our hero draws lines with his magic roller skates, and the janitor throws
a fit.
When most of us get a song stuck in our heads, we do something
about it. Something simple, yet effective: we buy the single, download
the MP3, or hum it tunelessly until we can't stand the very sound of it
anymore. Sometimes, in worst case scenarios, our brains will helpfully
assist us by putting something even sticker and inane in its place; why,
just the other day, my brain thoughtfully replaced the mid-70's novelty
classic "The Houston Oilers Fight Song" with the Ramones' "Happy Birthday,
Mr. Burns". Gee, thanks a lot. I am eagerly awaiting the "Monster Mash/Ballad
of the Green Berets" two-hit combo so that I will finally have an excuse
to put a bullet through my miserable skull once and for all. Ahem.
Most people, however, are not two-bit thug and talentless wonder Sean
"Puffy" Combs. When this bozo gets a song stuck in his head, he takes
to the studio in a flurry of cubic zirconia and teflon bullets and remakes
the holy hell out of it until there is no way anyone on Earth could possibly
like it. And this bastard is everywhere. Recently in National Geographic
I saw a photo shoot of a primitive Yeti colony in the furthest reaches
of Nepal, and there was a "We'll Be Missing You, Biggie" poster tacked
up on one of their mud huts. For fuck's sake, people.
(And what sort of nickname is "Puffy", anyway? Who actually likes -- nay,
insists upon -- being called "puffy" or "puff daddy"? Possible hypotheses:
(1) "Puffy" refers to massive bruising, since Sean Combs can't hold his
own in a fight and, before his massive stardom and collection of big-bore
weaponry, consistenly came home from night clubbing beaten to a tender
pulp. (2) "Puffy" refers to that weird state between erection and flaccidity
in the human penis. This, perhaps, is a tip-o-the-hat to Sean Combs' impotence.
(3) "Puffy" and "Puff Daddy" are both references to the deadly Puff Adder,
a relatively unknown poisonous snake lacking the prestige of, say, the
King Cobra. This would account for Combs' recent "(Domo Arigato) Mr. Roboto:
Herpetology 101 Remix".)
Well, as we all know, the Big Thing to Do if you're a rapper with money
burning a hole in yer pocket is to make a vanity flick. Well, in "Disco
#1" Combs finally takes his turn behind the camera after having "Disco
Inferno" bouncing around in his pointy skull for several days. "Disco
#1" is the gripping story of an idiot in a stripey jumper who shows up
to his local discoteque wearing, of all things, fucking roller skates,
hoping to start a trend or make a difference or get the DJ to play Ray
Parker, Jr's "Ghostbusters" or something. God only knows. This, of course,
outrages two vastly different yet influential groups of people: the janitors,
who will have to work their fingers down to the bone removing roller skate
scuffs from the stylish disco floor, and the local chapter of the Roller
Skate Mafia. Naturally.
Well, when everyone's looking to beat you up for making a fashion statement,
there is but one thing to do: drink heavily and pick up chicks. (Take
it from me on this one.) Studies show that women find nothing more irresistable
than being encased in glowing boxes -- and Puff Daddy knows this. And
this is exactly what our garish protagonist does, with his magic roller
skates, the power of Disco, and several hundred glasses of Night Train.
"Disco #1" is a moving story of non-conformity, determination, and seduction.
Puffy, more please! Now showing at the MAMEPlex 32.
A yeti.
A puff adder, which bears no resemblance in appearance or deed to Sean
Combs.
Cobras rule.
Night Train wine.
Appoooh
All I could find about the legendary, almost mythical
Appoooh movie was this poster. This played for a very short while
at the MAMEPlex 32 before being dwarfed by the amazing Exciting
Hour: The Movie. For more about Punch and Kick, ask unofficial
Zeroes Unlimited mascot Winston
Liu!
Beware the Body Slum.
The Enormous Wrestling Turd invites you back to the main page.
