Red Headed Stepchildren

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/3/99

From the makers of Invinco...

"A Game In Four Scenes: Sega's New 005"
(And every scene sucks. Badly.)

There's our hero, Agent 005. There was never a more worthless excuse for a secret agent in the history of espionage. Even that chick with the beret in Civilization II could do a better job than this twat. Any donut dunkin' security guard can beat him to a pulp in seconds. And the only weapon he carries is -- get this -- laughing gas spray. He won't even hit people with his briefcase, for fuck's sake.

He's running from his conscience, no doubt.

Here's what happens when you hit a security guard with your gas gun. They laugh. I particuarly like the "HA" that appears above their heads, so I thought I'd show you twenty-five of them at once. Oh, did I mention that a laughing security guard blocks your path? That's right, 005 is too much of a little pansy to shove his way past a fat, incapacitated slob sitting in a cloud of laughing gas. Pathetic.


This is the best scene in 005, and that is only because the others are so damned awful. Try to get to the helicopter. If the guards get you in their flashlight beams, they get really upset and run around a lot.	This scene just fucking sucks. There's no way to avoid crossing the ice skating rink, and you almost always die immediately. The guards apparently have skates, while you just slide around like a jackass. By the way, 005 looks like an idiot when he dies.	Believe it or not, they actually count this as a "scene". You start at the bottom of the screen, and you have to get into any of the buildings with arrows pointing at them. Worse than worthless. Never mind the "Guard House". It does nothing.

In the fourth scene you're in a helicopter. Frankly I couldn't be fucked to play that far, since you have to go through the first three scenes about three or four times first. Rest assured -- it's bad. You can fly (a) up or (b) down, and you're surrounded by things with guns. You can shoot back, but why bother?

We'll be back in two and two.

City Connection
with your host, Chuck Woolery.

Ooh! A WHEELIE! That's making the City Connection!

This is City Connection, a baffling little game from Jaleco. This game aims to be oh so harmless and cutesy -- just have a good look at the logo if you don't believe me -- but doesn't seem to realize how bizarre it is. You apparently take the role of some master criminal; I surmise this because the entire New York police force is coming after you. What has this criminal done to arouse the ire of the notoriously jaded NYPD? He's gotten in his goofy little Le Car (the orange one at the top) and driven around painting the roads green. Truly, the Crime of the Century. If I were a Master Criminal, I'd certainly aim higher than painting a few fucking roads. Anyway. There's a cat that appears at random; he's grinning like a fool and holding a checkered flag. If you run into that cat (lower center) you die. Your car smashes into a million little pieces, all of which turn into hearts as they float to the ground. There are other cities -- London, Paris -- but I really didn't feel up to the City Connection challenge when I took these pictures.

You get this great bit of encouragement when you finish a level. Now, I have driven all the highway!! That's just great. I wish, that all my games talked like this!! That girl, has some really weird hair!! What is it, with the Japanese and their obsession with young girls having all the funny hair colors?? And, the tentacle porn!! What the hell, is that all about??

It's good, to get praise for good action in game!!

Remember as your body is torn into kibble that we love you.

Figure One.

Figure Two.

Figure One: The pieces of your car fly into the air willy-nilly after a dramatic collision with a police car. Keep playing this badly and you will never drive all of the highway.

Figure Two: The pieces turn into hearts and drift towards the bottom of the screen. Notice the cat, grinning away at your misfortune.

A Gallery of Villains.

I never understood why there was a period in between the "Gun" and "Smoke". As far as I was always concerned, "gunsmoke" was a perfectly acceptable, legitimate word. This weird, misplaced period carried over into the NES version of the game, which made for a weird advertising slogan --"Get your Gun.Smoke today." -- as if Capcom wanted kids to get out there and start puffing away. Anyway.

The bad guys in Gun.Smoke all have really odd names. I was having a great time laughing at these incongruous, nonsensical names when my friend Hector pointed out: "That isn't their first and last name. It's their name and the name of their weapon." Yeah, well, I still like to think that, somewhere out in the Old West, there's a fat man named Pig Joe Dynamite.


Master Winchester	Roy Knife	Ninja Darts	Cutter Boomerang	Pig Joe Dynamite
I think it may have been a mistake to name the first boss "Master". The only thing he's mastered is amassing legions of bearded henchmen and getting shot repeatedly.	I don't associate the name "Roy" with a knife-wielding scarecrow. It makes me think of a little reedy guy that runs the high school Chess Club. Or maybe a chef.	Boy oh boy, this guy didn't stand a chance. His parents named him "Ninja" -- what could he do? Become a chiropractor? It's a good thing for him that there weren't many ninjas in the Old West.	This unpleasant fellow, I think, is supposed to be Australian. Yes, Australians do have lumpy heads, but I don't remember such cultural diversity in the Old West.	You try lugging around all that excess weight, and the name "Pig Joe", and see if you don't feel like strapping bombs to your forehead. Judging from the beard, he may have been Amish once.

Fun Fact! Invinco is such a shitty Space Invaders clone, its creator committed suicide.

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