Photograph Boy - Sadist on the Move

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/3/99

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Fucker.

Say what you will; this is a really cool logo.

Photograph Boy.

Two random scenes from the life of our hero. Don't ask.
That's our Photograph Boy: resilient.

These characters have that special "East German cartoon studio" feel to them. Worker & Parasite?

Meet Photograph Boy. He takes pictures for the Boss. His boss, apparently, is a really big fan of cruelty, weirdness, and suffering, because the pictures that net the most points (and, usually, extra rolls of film) are the ones which contain any of the above -- ideally, a combination of said elements. Don't worry, there's no shortage of those in Photograph Boy. That's the name on the ROM header, anyway. For all I know, this game could be called That Zany Picture Takin' Caucasian. The Boy's life is a bit of a mystery, not because he is a very mysterious person, in and of himself, but because his life story is in Japanese and I can't read a damned word of it. It doesn't matter, though -- I strongly believe that you get enough information from the two selected shots above. The Boy's parents are dead. The Boy likes breasts. Oh, and you take pictures for the Boss. It's not a very complex game, but it is surprisingly difficult. Everyone's out to get Photograph Boy, and I can't blame them, since something terrible happens wherever he goes. Maybe it's his revenge on the world, or something. Those wacky Japanese.

Hyuk!
Level One.

	The first thing you see as you set out on your evil little quest is a UFO stealing a car. That's the whole car. I hear they use every part, like back in the good old days. No car waste like car hunters today.
Before you know it, some guy in a suit walks by and his head changes into -- good lord! (choke) -- an alien head. Then you get into a ten minute fist-fight with Rowdy Roddy Piper over putting on a pair of sunglasses. It's just damn gripping. No, the alien is actually cool because this game was made back in 1992, before alien heads were ultra-trendy and fucking ubiquitous. If this game were made now, that alien would probably have a joint or a snowboard.
	What's this? A banana peel? In the middle of the street? Looks like a recipe for some silly misfortune! I like how this guy's ankle has completely snapped, and his foot is pointing at his waist. Did I ever mention that I hate Bob Saget, and his snippy, unfunny little voice-over quips? That man has ruined staged pratfalls for me.
This guy is my personal hero. He's turns up fucking everywhere in this game, and I assure you, he's up to no good. Actually, aside from the lipstick and over-emphasized five o'clock shadow, he looks like every other Caucasian in the game: Brylcreem hair, big eyebrows, and a Kirk Douglas chin.
	What is behind the obsession with Marilyn Monroe? It's pretty much worldwide, I'll admit, but the Japanese have (much as they do everything else) taken it to bizarre extremes. Anyway, the Boy gets a picture of her underwear. On higher levels, you take a picture of the CIA dosing her sleeping pills.
And this? This is just a weird Mexican. Because Photograph Boy isn't all strange events, no sir. People just walk down the street, oblivious to everything, and you just have to hope that something terrible will happen to them.
	Yeah, yeah. It's the flying DeLorean from Back to the Future. Not terribly remarkable, or funny, but certainly a taste of the numerous copyright infringements to come. By the way, this is the hardest damned picture in the first level to get, but it's worth 1,000 points and ten shots.
There goes Bob Dole. Unfortunately, he's not clutching his ball-point pen, and he's wearing a smile for God only knows what reason. I remember seeing someone using the handle "Bob Dole" in a chatroom once, and he said (and I quote): "Bob Dole wants to be your valentine, Spice Girl 69". I wish I knew how that story ends.
	You've got to admit that a little girl tied to a rocket is pretty harsh, even by Photograph Boy standards. Oh, wait a minute. This is downright cheerful compared to some of the stuff in later levels. Rest assured that the rocket takes off and no one saves her. Not even...
Superman, or whatever fuck this clown is supposed to be. Just another über-Caucasian for your files (clip 'n' save them all), who looks more like a flying homosexual game show host than a super hero.
	Where's Nelson Muntz when you need him? If you see anyone in Photograph Boy doing anything that requires the least bit of coordination, skill, or luck, rest assured that they will fail spectacularly and you can take a picture of it. Miss Rollerderby Queen here really should have known better.
House on fire. Big fat naked woman yelling out for help. Sorry I didn't get a picture of her weird breasts, but playing this game and taking screenshots is tough enough. Besides, I'm not really sure I'd like to preserve that moment in pictures.
	Don't worry. They drop him. And all is Right with the world.
You know, the French would put panties on an enormous statue. They're just so... saucy.

Those aren't little wings. That's his hair.

Level Two.

	This man is obviously the Ricardo Montelban of his peer group. Check out that butterfly collar and that devil-may-care smirk. Muy caliente.
Ahhhh. Nothing like a good old fashioned car wreck to liven up any ghetto scene. Yes, this car just comes speeding down the sidewalk and plows into a pole. Car accidents figure in big on this level.
	I see that the Japanese share my sense of respect for and love of human dignity. Surprisingly, a picture of this mutant is only worth 100 points, which denotes something commonplace. The implications are staggering.
Hey, lady! The Josie and the Pussycats auditions are two blocks east. Now get lost before you're hit by a falling cinder block or something.
	This guy looks familiar, but I can't place him. Maybe it's better that way -- whomever I compared him to would inevitably sue for defamation of character.
I told you that this guy would pop up again. And he's in a trash can, saying "OH!" Well -- there's a criminal brazenly walking past his own "Wanted" poster, so maybe that guy (the flasher in the trash can) is really the Drag Detective. Maybe not, but how else can you explain that chin?
	I had an algebra teacher that looked like this guy. He's a weird cross between Skeletor and that old Dick Tracy villain, The Brow. Yet another "commonplace" mutant.
Little Richard, is that you?
	These guys are reliving the halcyon days of Urban Champion, no doubt. Yes, flower pots do fall from the sky, but they're aimed at the Boy rather than these throwback pugilists. By the way, that there is the only white guy in the whole level. And he's in a fight. Let's hear it for race relations.
The little robots from Batteries Not Included show up. Yes, I'm sorry that your movie sucked, but you can't hang out in Photograph Boy. No, really, we've got enough licensed characters as it is.
	The Boss pops up to spy on you. I love the look of cheerful encouragement he's giving; it really engenders a nice warm feeling about exploiting all this poverty and violence on his behalf. (Nah. I would have done it anyway.)
This little girl should have known better than to be wandering around. Let's see -- she's in the ghetto, at night, outside a bar. Three strikes and you're out, kiddo. She kind of bounces a little when she hits the ground, for added comic effect.	________
_______	Ever seen those bootleg t-shirts that have popular cartoon characters, only black? My favorite was "The Johnsons", which was just the Simpsons with brown skin instead of yellow. I say was, because I hadn't yet seen -- the Black Terminator.
The criminal in this picture bears a remarkable resemblance to the Frito Bandito. My freshman year of college, I got to hear my RTF professor sing the Frito Bandito jingle. I can't get that bloody song out of my head even now, two and a half years later. By the way, I think they should bring back the Frito Bandito. He'd make a cool action figure.
	You can tell this game was made quite a while ago, because Michael Jackson is still black. He's also in his "Smooth Criminal" outfit, no doubt trying to escape from that far inferior video game, Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. What was that shit about turning into a robot?
For some reason, this woman is worth a whopping 300 points, rather than the standard 100 you get for your average, boring city dweller. I'm assuming from that, and that zesty handbag, that she's a whore. Plus those are some of the weirdest tits I've ever seen.
	See? I told you that this game is rife with copyright infringement. Spidey's much-vaunted Spider Sense doesn't warn him about the Boy, though. Take his picture and he falls off the wall and dies. That camera must have a Nikon XT "Ultimate Nullifier" attachment.
Words fail me on this one. That's one big woman he's got a hold of there, though. I personally like that little jig he's doing on the roof. It brings back happy memories of Rampage, the NES game with the worst music ever.
	It's obvious that some painstaking research went into the crafting of this level. I was a little taken aback, this being the first time I'd seen the word "fuck" in a goofy side-scrolling action romp. Then again, it's really the abject lack of context that makes this laughable -- like the graffiti in Renegade for the NES, another classic of alleged urban decay.

How does he drink with that enormous nose?

Level Three.

_________	No matter what you may say about this having been predictable, it's still good to see someone who looks like The Greatest American Hero get hit on the head with a thrown bowling pin.
Here's a surprise -- nothing bad happens to this poor man's Peter Pan. Nothing at all. He just flies around and distracts you while about 2,000 thrown objects hurtle toward your head.
_________	Another victim of gravity in the wild world of Photograph Boy. Like the car accident kid, this one bounces when it hits the ground, and ends up lying on its side looking rather like a pathetic, discarded candy wrapper.
No bonus points for spotting Geraldo Rivera here. He's probably off to have more fat from his ass transplanted into his nose in a back-alley clinic on Level Two.
____	I saw this tiger running along, and I thought: "Oh boy, we get to see some dopey schmuck get mauled. That would set a new standard of brutality for Photograph Boy." But no, he jumps through a hoop of fire that I thought was meant to singe one of those crack-baby Peter Pans.
Here's the Boss again, and he's shooting someone out of a cannon. It's nice to know that his devotion to the violent and the bizarre isn't just lip service.
	I like this. Someone falls off the tightrope. It serves them right, really. I don't exactly how, but I just get the feeling that justice has been served here. No, she doesn't crush the whey-faced passerby directly beneath her, but when she does hit the ground, he just stares at her.
Speaking of fucked-up jawlines, it's TV's Philip Michael Thomas! How's that singing career coming along, Phil? Can you get me Don Johnson's autograph? (Philip Michael Thomas would like you to know that autographed photos are on sale in the lobby. Please.)
	Here's an appealing fellow, who's off to the semi-finals in the "swallow your own nose" competition. I think I'll call him "Cooter".
Madonna, as garish and goofy-looking as ever. Fortunately, this game was made before she decided that she was into Hindu mysticism and the Cabala. Is she setting out to raise a schizophrenic child, or is it just working out that way?
______	Maybe this creature is famous in Japan, but I personally think that he's some sort of mutant jalapeño man, kind of like in those Taco Cabana ads. Anyway, he scurries by and knocks the ferris wheel loose. Wheeeeeeeee!
I'm amazed that Irem wasn't sued into absolute and thorough destitution for this. To rip off Buena Vista and Amblin's, big, famous, corporate logos at the same time is just plain ballsy.

Maybe those are gag teeth.

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