Isn't it SEXY?

Classic Zeroes Material
By: Zartan; circa 1/3/99

Strip Fighter II
I think someone owes us an apology.

This is a truly terrible game. Given the choice between this and 005, I think I would go insane. No, seriously, this game is worse than 005. 005 has the courtesy to pretend that it is an innovative game that can be fun and enjoyable on its own merits. Strip Fighter II doesn't even bother. Strip Fighter II is the video game equivalent of a forty-year-old whore with bad teeth that watches TV while servicing her customers. They might as well have come right out and said: "Look. This is pornography for people so pathetic, so riddled with guilt, that they can't enjoy it without some sort of disguise. Well, here, you've earned it. Here's Strip Fighter II, a game that is to its porn what vestigial limbs are to the head. Knock yourselves out." When I downloaded this game, I was ready for it to be really bad. After all, even the shittiest import games get some sort of coverage in Electronic Gaming "let's fawn over anything with kanji script on it" Monthly. But the first place I'd heard of this one was on the internet, and even then, it didn't rate a review, or even a few words of explanation. Just a link to click.

Well, here it is. An utterly cynical rip-off of Street Fighter II -- from the allegedly special moves to the color schemes to the little "v for victory" win markers -- whose only reason for existence is to reward its players with shots of scantily-clad and/or nude women after winning fights. And this, its very purpose, is done poorly. First of all, you'd think that you'd see the all-female cast of fighters get the kits off, but no. We are instead treated to low-resolution pre-gif style shots lifted directly from underwear catalogs. The nipples are nipples as imagined by a horny 12-year-old virgin, and all the pubic hair has been blurred out, thanks to the nonsensical Japanese censorship laws. I personally feel that if you're going to make someone suffer through a shitty little game like Strip Fighter II to get their porn, it has better be damned good porn.

Okay, you're dying to know, so I won't make you wait. Here is the shoddy "porn" you were promised.


Win one round and get this saucy shot.	Win the match and -- ooh la la!

Strip Fighter erotic cakes not available in some locales.

Patrick Stewart sez: "I sexed it up for you!"

Amanda

Bella

Martha

Medusa

Nina

Yuki

This would be the point, on any other page about a Street Fighter-style fighting game, where I discussed each of the fighters in detail, and gave a list of their special moves. Not here, baby. Just forget about it. First of all, the special moves don't seem to have any rhyme or reason to them at all. I mash buttons and maybe, occasionally, one of them will do something interesting. When I try to do it again, using the very same button presses, nothing happens. The fact that Button I and Button II do, as far as anyone can tell, the exact same thing doesn't help matters all that much, either. So there isn't a reliable way to discover and catalog each character's allegedly special moves. And even if I could get them down pat, some of them I've seen (the computer never seems to have any problem executing them repeatedly, as usual) are downright baffling, and I'd be stumped to come up with a good name for them. "Violent Spinning Amazon Breasts" is a bit of a mouthful -- but it makes a hell of a lot more literal sense than some of those fucking 25-part special moves that SNK come up with, sporting glamorous and easy-to-say names like "Hienshippuukyaku".

And even then, I wouldn't bother. This game is just too damned painful. While taking these screenshots, I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over. It is, without question, the worst game I've ever played for the Turbo Grafx/PC Engine, and that includes a whole lot of worthy candidates. China Warrior, for example. Shines like molten gold next to this maggot-riddled pile of dung.

Tell your kids that this is how runaways end up. It's called "scared straight". Yes, Donna, keep smoking in the john. That's just how Medusa got her start. Next thing you know, you belong to a white slavery ring and you're made to be a Strip Fighter. Now go to your room.

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