ToiletGrafix16

Classic Zeroes, Circa 1/03/99
By: Zartan

ToiletGrafx-16
or, the scatological side of an unloved system

Why the TurboGrafx-16 (or PC Engine, if you're a stickler for this sort of thing) became a repository for shitty, unwanted games is anyone's guess. It seems like everyone got into the act -- a company called "Victor Musical Industries" cranked out a couple of stinkers called King of Casino (which was inexplicably creepy, and featured the glamorous "Lemon Lemon" hotel) and Veigues Tactical Gladiator (the design of which was ripped off by my best friend for our 7th grade life science project, if you can believe it: Life Science Class, meet the Underwater Tactical Gladiator. I think it ran on seaweed). This makes me think that some genius at Victor decided: "Hell, making keyboards and whatnot just isn't good enough anymore! If people are playing games like China Warrior and Vigilante then surely we can't lose money in the field... right? Surely we can do better that that?" Well, I guess they did. King of Casino was a fun sleepover game. Veigues sucked, but I didn't want to admit it because it was playable, it had a big, bad-ass robot (okay, and I'd saved for weeks to get it).

The truth is that I was a loyal TG-16 owner. It was the early nineties, and I had plenty of time for Klax. Bloody Wolf and Galaga '90 rocked my young, naive world, as well as they could, given the circumstances. But we TG-16 devotees were a widely mocked lot, and fair enough -- there weren't many very good games available for our sowwy widdle system, even if we did plunk down the five hundred clams for a CD-ROM attachment. (Which I didn't, I am now happy to report. I was gagging for it at the time, but now I'd just feel stupid.)

This is all leading me away from my point. The TG-16 had some damned weird games. Here are two of them. I am proud to present Kato & Ken and Toilet Kids, two treasures from Japan that prove that poop will always be on the cutting edge of technology.

Kato & Ken
my spiritual advisors, whether they know it or not

In Kato & Ken, you assume the role of a couple of Japanese prop comedians who are playing at being private detectives. (I assume this from the game's cover, and from playing JJ & Jeff, the watered-down American version -- about which the less is said the better.) Anyway, one of them -- the one you select, obviously -- gets the call to find a missing man, and the other one decides he could help by showing up at various points throughout the game and annoying you. Yes, our boys' idea of "adventure" is peeing against far away and exotic walls, hopping about in trash cans, and loitering in public toilets whilst wearing outlandish costumes. They're not a subtle couple, Kato and Ken, but I wouldn't expect any less from the comedians who brought us a variety show called Kato & Ken: TV Busters. I only wish it had been imported; I'm surprised that PBS or Fox didn't want anything to do with their goofy grins, giant chamber pots, and deadpan farting.

That's one of the best things about Kato & Ken -- our heroes just grin like big idiots right through the whole affair. I'm fully aware that they're supposed to be idiots, and I love it. It's done very well; if you can't laugh at Kato & Ken, for one reason or another, then you are just an asshole.

This is the cover to Kato & Ken. Kato (on the left) looks a lot like ex-People's Court announcer Doug Llewelyn in this picture, which probably explains why the dog is pissing on his foot. "Don't take the law into my own hands, my ass," the dog thinks. "I'm a dog; of course I didn't keep my receipt." Did you ever notice that in Judge Wapner's courtroom, if you didn't have a receipt, you were automatically fucked? I'd love to have an autographed photo of Wapner that says: "Josh -- Always keep that receipt! Best wishes, Judge Joseph A. Wapner (Ret.)" Ed Koch and that shrill, irrational shrew Judge Judy are a poor substitute, I tell you.

And this is the title screen for Kato & Ken, in all of its animated glory. This is, to my mind, a better representation of our intrepid heroes. They're just so damned zany. I like the way they've attached "-chan" to their names. I have a feeling that using that sort of diminutive on a grown man amounts to calling them a chummy, harmless idiot. The world needs more people like that.

On another note, I can't believe that this game is twelve years old. What must it be like to look back at yourself, kicking fire hydrants and farting on sea serpents, in an admittedly sub-standard video game twelve years after the fact?

I'm going to come right out and admit it -- I like Ken better. And almost all my images of Kato & Ken are going to reflect that. I'm sure that you won't mind. In fact, after this visual celebration of Ken, I'll wager that you will too.

This is classic Ken. Good old Ken, after a hard day of pestering Kato, takes a little rest stop behind some bushes. This rest stop doesn't look too terribly restful, though. For a game where you're constantly eating fruit, Ken strains a little too hard.

Oops! Unluckily for our Ken, Kato happened along and didn't approve of his fecal antics. Kato went ahead and kicked Ken's ass right out of there, just like he kicks dogs, piles of poop, lightposts, and subterranean Yakuza. Oh, the sweet indignity. The best part of this is that Ken just runs off grinning, like he's gotten away with the crime of the century.

Don't look at this and tell me Ken isn't fucking awesome. Anyone who ever pulls a face like this after running around in public, committing all sorts of misdemeanors has got chutzpah. And anything that can offend Ken's sensibilities has got to be great. Well, all right, he's just skidding. It still rules, though. Play once and you'll be making all sorts of unnecessary quick stops.

This is our hero after diving feetfirst into a blazing bonfire. This seems as good a time as any to point out that the springs in Kato & Ken are utterly worthless and are to be avoided at all costs. And while I'm on a roll, one-hit deaths in this sort of game really suck. But that, you must admit, is a small price to pay to take control of an honest-to-god TV Buster.

How? How? HOW?? How do you get to see Ken giggling like a schoolgirl and sitting on a cloud? Ah, it's complicated. Select Kato at the start, kick some signpost or something, wait for the magic elevator, dodge some bird poop, and there you are. Ken will throw fruits and junk food at you as you scurry along the tops of the clouds. Kicking Ken here, regrettably, accomplishes nothing.

Here, the ever-helpful Ken throws soda cans at you. These soda cans must be full of rocks, because they hurt -- a lot -- and they don't seem to slow down, either. You can hop on them for lots of points, which will probably give you a Nintendo World Championships flashback (inevitably, there was one kid who believed Howard "oh, sure he's not a butt burglar" Phillips' assurances that he'd get heaps of points in World 4-1 of Super Mario Bros) or you can just kick Ken's ass again. Take yer pick.

Ken learns rather painfully that peeing against the wall, even when only in an attempt to annoy the local Yakuza, is just plain wrong. I know what you're thinking: "How did Ken get an enormous lump on his head just from peeing against a wall?" Aha -- thereby hangs a tale! Kato ran up and kicked him, which prompted the God of Toilets (never far away, let me assure you) to drop about 50 gigantic chamber pots onto Ken's noggin. Maybe as a way of saying, "please, Ken. Let's do something about indecent exposure."

Some of the many costumes Ken wears when you duck into a public toilet.

Ken is truly a man of many, many talents, and Japan's brightest star. What sublimity.

In short, Kato & Ken is fucking amazing. Check it out.

Toilet Kids
The less said, the better. Really

This is the title screen for Toilet Kids, and it speaks volumes. Never mind the fact that it's in a language that I haven't the first clue about -- it's got a dour-faced man with pink shit on his head in some sort of ceremonial dress, and that's good enough for me. The plot? You'll be sorry you asked. You're a kid who wakes up in the middle of the night to use the toilet and ends up being sucked into the bowl itself, which is -- get ready -- a warp to another world. No surprise, actually. I think this is something that every kid is sure of at one time or another. So full marks to Toilet Kids for playing off of deep-rooted psychological compulsions. Anyway, you fly around in said otherworld and drop pink poo on bad guys. It's Xevious, for all intents and purposes, only without that golf course aesthetic.

The best thing about Toilet Kids is, without a doubt, the enemies. None of which, I assume, require any further explanation.

This is Toilet Kids' way of saying "Game Over". Charming, isn't it? Don't worry, you'll be seeing that quite a bit, since this game is really hard.

WORK YOUR WAY BACK THROUGH BSoZU's COLON