Tron? Tron! Ooh la la!

Remember that great movie Tron, where the programs came to life and turned Jeff Bridges into a digitzed orange and Bruce Boxleitner stood around and looked hopeless and the big chess program got an English accent and about 100 games came out for the Intellivision and everything? What an awesome flick! But did you know that there was a novelization of Tron? I hate to disappoint you, but it wasn't by either Alan Dean Foster or William Kotzwinkle, novelizationists extraordinaire... but it was by a real-life sort-of writer: Brian Daley, known to millions of hopeless no-lifes as the guy that wrote the Han Solo trilogy. At least, that's what the back of the book says, and since I've never even heard of the Han Solo trilogy, I'll buy it. This guy must just love the word "smirk". Anyway.
Our Mr. Daley took a few liberties with the novelization of Tron, though. To cut right to the chase, he added a fucking sex scene. Yes, really. A sex scene in Tron. If your testicles haven't retracted entirely into your abdominal cavity, they will. And it's followed by my incisive point-by-point critique! How can you say no?

Her lips curved, her look secret and yet open, plain-spoken and at the same time oblique. Rising, sinuously graceful, she answered him, "Enough". She went to touch another surface of the walls.
An aurora appeared around her, gentle and triumphant. Yori transformed, brightened, as if shedding camouflage. Her helmet-cap was gone; her golden hair swirled and floated behind her. Tron watched, enchanted. She spent gladly of the power he'd given her. The worker's aspect fell away as Yori stood clothed in a cloud of splendor.
A diaphanous mantle fluttered around her, and the angular precision of her circuitry was replaced by lovely, delicate traceries, jewellike beads of radiance. She was like a magnificent, emergent butterfly, arms extended, the mantle rippling and billowing. She was completely herself again at last, the central thing in his existence, infinitely desirable. "Come here," she beckoned.
He stood and moved to her. The armor of combat sloughed away, and his helmet; they had no place here, and his circuitry took on a flowing look. His Warrior's forelock and queue were revealed, stirred by the forces around them.
Tron stood before here. "I love you."
They extended their hands until they nearly touched, palm to upraised palm. A blissful ray sprang between them, widening to envelop them, until they were like bright filaments. Celestials, they shared energy, were one. They sank down among the reclining-contours; the room shone with glory.
"I love you, Tron."

Zartan's Critique

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Thank you. More genius from someone named "Brian".

Zartan... Corrected!

Addendum: Okay, so the sex scene wasn't unique to the novel. I've gotten more response about this blunder than since... since anything, really. Even when Mega Crap invaded the colons of emulation fans worldwide, I didn't get this much mail. So come back next week, when I interview zoologist Nicola Salmoria and his team of trained marmosets, and find out how they've keet RAINE so fresh and exciting for over 100 years.

Anyway. One thousand apologies to the talented and sensitive Brian Daley. Anyway, I'm sure you can forgive me for (a) thinking that this was some weird mutant offshoot -- I've noticed that novelizations just love adding in all kinds of allegedly useful characterization, etc etc and (b) thinking "oh, yeah, this has got to go on Zeroes Unlimited". It's just not right, people. It's like those cartoons people love doing of the Scooby-Doo gang balling each others' brains out; yeah, okay, maybe the subtext was there, and maybe some people get off on it, but it's still wrong. Which, of course, makes it priceless.

The first e-mail I got about it was from the legendary Nathan Strum, and I, quite frankly, thought it was a joke. A very clever put-on, to be sure (I mean, details like "it's on the laserdisc but not on the DVD" are what make clever pranks), but still. When he mentioned the ludicrous-sounding "morning after" scene, the first thing that came into my head was "the morning after pill", and Yori popping an RU-486 and blasting out a filthy bluish-gray miscarriage. (This miscarriage would survive, remarkably, and go on to become Go! Go! TANK.)

Then came more mail. All right, all right, I give. In true Zeroes Unlimited fashion, here's an unverified (but it came off the Retrogames message boards, so it must be true) link to someone else's hard work, if you're really, really dying to have this great movie ruined for you once and for all...

But five days later...

The Very Last Time I Will Ever Remark on This Fucking Ridiculous Subject

Okay, people -- Zeroes Unlimited is now your one-stop resource portal for hot program sex. The link has been updated, courtesy of someone who e-mailed me with a much better one. This means he either (a) already knew its whereabouts or (b) was inspired to "find out more" after reading this sizzling hot exposé. Either way, he's a superstar -- I wish I could remember his damned name and give credit where it's due. And I did verify the link this time, and my god, it's worse than I could have ever possibly imagined. "I/O Tower" my pasty white ass. Jesus.

TRON, Barry White-style

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